View Full Version : Needing help and advices

05-25-2011, 02:04 PM
Hi everyone. I usually don't post things, but I've been following this forum for quite a long time - even when it was atforumz, etc.

Past November I've met what I call "The guy". It was love at first sight and we have been fighting for our relationship. He was Living in London and he left his job & friends, came to Lisbon to live here and stay with me. We have lots of plans, we love each other, ok...
I'm 26, like him, and life taught me some things and I know that nothing is perfect, but my bf has a problem that I've been struggling for months, and this thing seems to be growing and is starting to drive me crazy.
My bf, before knowing me, had the "usual-amount" of net-profiles in dudesnude, manhunt, gaydar, etc. He deleted all of them after we first met like boyfriends, except one: cam4 profile. He didn't know I knew those profiles and for almost 3 months he stayed away from cam4.
In February the curse started. Before moving out of London he started to log in on cam4 to show himself masturbating. I noticed that and I caught him in the act on the 4th time, also in February. He told me he had that problem for quite a long time and I was the first one to know. Sometimes he wakes up and needs to turn the cam on and see someone desiring him. He promised that he was going to stop and he wanted help.

I'm writing this now because, of course, all of that didn't stop. Some day I saw a msn chat and he wrote to a guy, last April, that he was going to Belgium in the Summer to f**k a guy that lives there, and the problem is that he's going there in the Summer because his sister lives in the same city. He said that it was a thing that he said in the moment, just because he was excited. Yesterday I found out a dudesnude profile, a cam4 profile and saw in his e-mail a newsletter from manhunt. He said I'm getting paranoid with this and that I don't trust him.

He also says that he loves me, and I believe it, but I'm going insane with this. I don't mind that he likes to see porn or other guys on webcams, not at all, but I'm really worried and pissed off with the idea of my bf interacting, even virtually, and showing himself in a webcam. A friend of mine is his friend on cam4. I don't know what to do. I really love him and I feel depressed about this. Webcams and his addiction are destroying our relationship.

What should I do?

thanks in advance....

05-25-2011, 07:31 PM
I understand what you're going through, absolutely.

My suggestion would be to do everything you can to help him get over his addiction of needing to be wanted by others. Show him how much you love and desire him every day, and do what you can to help him seek out assistance in this matter. This is a very common problem and I'm sure there are websites and maybe even books about the topic.

Good luck. I really hope it works out for you!

05-26-2011, 02:45 AM
If you can't trust the guy then there's no way that a relationship is going to work out for the long-term. It's really up to you to just trust him. And stop stalking his online presence. But be smart about it too. If you have evidence that he's lying to you, it's probably time to nip it in the bud, and end the relationship. You don't want to go through life with a partner that you know isn't being faithful to you. You deserve better than that.

05-26-2011, 07:26 AM
^ This.

05-26-2011, 09:32 AM
We talked yesterday and he finally said what I wanted to hear. He says that he can't stop and, when he's got money, he will seek help. He told me that itīs not a physical issue about me, but there's something in him that wants and needs to feel ohters desire, like a miserable self esteem. He started to cry after telling me how miserable he feels everytime he finishes those webcam sessions, and so on. I started crying too when he said that he came to Lisbon for me and would feel miserable about losing me right after his arrival. I believe that he's not going to do anything with those guys and he admitted that the stuff will continue, at least for some time. From now on I think his work, busy time, and time with me will make him avoid those things, he just does it when he's alone/bored...

I've got mixed feelings about him right now, of course. Even though I'm heartbroken, I really want to help him. In order to avoid confidence problems in the future, he decided that if he needs to create some profile on the net he'll tell me and that he's going to clear his safari's history everyday. I'll try and avoid using his computer.

Like you said, I really have to be smart about this. I think I'll avoid things from now on because I know that those things are happening and will happen. He asked me some time and I'll give it. Right now I'l a bit cold with him, and I think it's normal. Maybe I'll recover a bit and will start to be cute to him again...

05-26-2011, 10:46 AM
El, addiction is powerful and addicts cannot be trusted. You have to decide what you're willing to live with in terms of your partner's addiction. You will never convince him to stop or seek help - only he can do that. In the meanwhile, recognize that it's a disease and decide if you can live with it. It's as hard to stay with an addict as it is to leave one. Focus on yourself and if you stay in the relationship, accept that he's addicted to these online interactions and don't drive yourself crazy by tracking his activities. It's not good for either one of you.

Hang in there. (HUGS)

other pete
05-26-2011, 10:48 AM
Sometimes when someone falls off a pedestal is when we truly find out how we feel about them. His behaviour is hugely disrespectful to you, but not particularly unusual unfortunately. And no one's perfect, but my only advice would be to make sure you don't let this become ALL about 'his problem' and how you react to it, however much your kind instincts want to. Try to keep a focus on how you want your own life to be, and not get too caught up in analysing why he behaves how he does and whether he'll ever stop (has he ever lived with a partner before?). His issues are only 50% of the situation - the rest is all about what you want.

Good luck, and I hope things start feeling better for you really soon :)

05-27-2011, 05:36 PM
Yesterday I met him again after work. Before that I was kind of OK, but as soon as I saw him, I started to feel strange, like I was having a battle in my stomach. When we were home we started talking a bit and I began to feel really sick and almost threw up. I began to shake desperately, asked him to hug me and I started crying. I asked him what did he think it was happening and he said that It seemed to him that I was losing my love for him. I didn't sleep well, I've barely eaten a thing and I'm really disturbed. I think I'm like this right now because I'm shocked that I've felt so nervous and dominated by thoughts and, of course, my head was so busy that I've felt really bad with him. He touched me, hugged me, kissed me and I had to go away. He's been very supportive with me, asking if I'm eating well again, sleeping a bit, etc. I can't stop thinking about him & "that stuff" and I'm really afraid that I wont be able to feel anything again with him. It's nothing that I never knew, but this time I'm feeling things differently. I want to fight but I don't know if I can do it.

He seems determinated and started looking for information and a therapist. I have some pills of Valium to take later during the night, so I can sleep weel again.
One part of me wants to be with him and help him, but my body rejects it. I'm a bit better right now, but I think that I will have another crisis next time I see him. :( OMG What's happening with me?