View Full Version : Funny Things Kids Say

06-16-2010, 11:49 PM
Garion to me: Your face stinks.
Me to Garion: So's yer butt.
Garion to me: No, your face hole STINKS.
Me to Garion: So's yer butt hole. *slaps hand over face*
Garion to me: Well, your aaaaaa....
Kaiya chimes in: He's about to say ay ess ess aich oh el eee.
Me to Garion: Don't say it.
Garion to me: so's your asshole.

this inappropriate moment brought to you by the chaos of summer vacation.
send halps.

[I was pretty much lured right into that one, though. sneaky.]

06-17-2010, 01:41 AM
Bwaaaaahahahahahaha! The score stands: Garion - 1, Em - 0. ;)

06-17-2010, 02:35 AM
right? damn. that was slick. I'm kind of impressed while appropriately shocked and perturbed. ;l

06-21-2010, 09:28 PM
Kaiya's sitting here playing SIMS and Dave walks over and plugs in a code to give her $50,000. Kaiya says, "Now she can play video games!" that's a little too meta for me. ;l

06-22-2010, 05:18 PM
We had another "What the heck has your father been letting you watch?" moment. Feeding the fish is one of Tess's daily treats. This weekend as we were standing with the food, she asked what the fish's name is. I told her it doesn't have on and that she could name it. So, I asked her what his name was, and she replied "Grand Pimp!"

06-22-2010, 06:18 PM
My daughter has referred to the gynocologist as a "guardiantologist" more than once. As in, "I am never going to go see one of those guardiantologist people. I don't want some man looking up my crotch!"

06-22-2010, 09:57 PM
;l guardiantologist!

I've been traveling a lot for work this past year. I was away 10 days in March and have to leave again in a few weeks. It is wearing on my son. I was tucking him in and he yanked on my arm funny. I laughed and jokingly told him he was going to break my arm. He says, "If you break your arm will you still have to go away?" I say, "Why, are you going to break my arm?" He says, "No, but if you break your arm will you still have to go away?" ;l

06-24-2010, 10:27 PM
Dave was putting together the new fan we bought, the kids looking on. He got it all together except for the front "guard" part, when he looked over at me and said, "this is the part I suck at." He walked into the kitchen and I went over to put the guard together and Garion mumbles, "well dad did say he sucks at this." ;l

06-26-2010, 07:55 PM
I'm starting to catch on to what the 6 year old has already figured out: Dave's favorite word.

Dave: How do you feel about watching Lord of the Rings in a little bit?
Me: eh.
Garion: eh.
Dave: it's got walking trees, and a giant sorceror
Me: and hobbits and ... what are those pointy eared people?
Dave: elves.
Me: right.
Garion: and it's got a giant squid...
Dave: I don't remember a giant squid.
Me: in the cave.
Garion: yeah, it's in the water.
Dave: Well I'm glad you've got a good memory buddy, because mine....
Garion: ..... sucks?


06-26-2010, 09:48 PM
lmao I have to stop using that word or he is going to completely associate me with sucking at everything.

06-26-2010, 10:04 PM
omg, Autumn...that is hilarious!

My nephew (age 3) pointed to my Mom's boobs and asked, "You got milk in those puppies?"

06-27-2010, 12:17 AM
When I was a child I thought they were called ovarian cream donuts.

06-27-2010, 01:46 AM
ewewew. sowrong. ;l

06-28-2010, 03:06 PM
Me: Buddy, what are you doing up there?
Sean: I'm going poop!
(almost 20 minutes pass)
Me: Are you almost done?
Sean: I had nine pieces of poop!
(Friend and I try not to die laughing.)

07-07-2010, 04:45 PM
Lucien has this Little People board book from when he was wee and he's got the thing memorized so it looks like he's reading.

It basically lists the animals on the farm such as

"The pig meets the horse, the horse meets the cow, the cow meets the sheep"

It goes on and at the end it goes "The animals meet the farmer!"

Well he's reading it and gets to the end and says "The animals eat the farmer! (pauses for a second)No, wait! The animals MEET the farmer.. animals on parade!"

07-10-2010, 02:13 PM
So, I wake up and the kids clean up their rooms. Kaiya is putting a book away... "I'll put mom's Stephen King book back."
Me: "You do know that that is a book for adults, right?"
Kaiya: "Yeah, but I know how to read it!"


Rum 509
07-10-2010, 06:56 PM
;l You'd better go through your books! We had some rather explicit oversize books, gifts of course, that got moved to high shelves, maybe a little too late. Oops!

I got a hair cut about 5 days ago, a little extra off the back. I got home the same time the 8 year old arrived in another car. He yelled out, "Hey dad - NICE HAIRCUT!" Okay, thanks...

Then again yesterday, "Dad, I REALLY like your haircut!!!" Wha? :confused:

What's he up to?

07-15-2010, 03:08 PM
Yesterday I was made to elaborate a bit more on the whole "where do babies come from" saga that my daughter has been asking piece by piece. The conversation started out simply enough: she has been of the opinion that humans hatch from eggs, just like a chicken. So I corrected her by saying, "we do start out from an egg, but it's not really quite the same." So of course she wanted further explanation. As I took a couple of seconds to gather the words I wanted to say to her, she piped up with, "Oh, don't ignore me." ;l So little miss impatient was treated with some visuals - I googled some images of cell division and followed up with various ultrasounds of a pregnancy at different weeks of progression. She seemed satisfied at the end of the conversation; at least she definitely knows now that humans don't actually hatch from eggs. I'm really dreading the rest of the telling, though. She's just turned 8, so I imagine we're going to get to it sooner rather than later. There's only so long we could have gone on letting her come to her own conclusions about human eggs coming out of your bellybutton and hatching babies, I suppose. :p

07-15-2010, 03:15 PM
^hahaha, thank god for the internet.

07-15-2010, 05:42 PM
There's only so long we could have gone on letting her come to her own conclusions about human eggs coming out of your bellybutton and hatching babies, I suppose. :p

When my questioning got pesky, my Mom shared this book with me:



07-15-2010, 05:48 PM
fwhahahaa. er.. I dunno if I agree that "the closest two people can get" is sex. hrm. What did you think of the book when you first read it, and how old were you? maybe there's an updated more feminist leaning version. ;l

07-15-2010, 05:52 PM
I thought the book was really weird...and I didn't quite "get" it. I think I was around 10 or so...not sure exactly. Maybe older than that, but not much. I know that by 12 or 13 I knew the whole story, it was no secret in our house. My parents were always really open and honest about things like that. Too much, sometimes! ;l

07-15-2010, 05:58 PM
Oh! I almost forgot the funny Garion came up with yesterday, as well. We were outside picking blackberries together, discussing another srs bsns subject of the passing of one of our dogs a couple of months ago. Conversation starts out with how he thinks it means he's getting to be a big boy because he doesn't cry as much now. I said, "yes, that's true. but sometimes adults cry, too, and that's okay; it's okay to cry if you really need to - if you're sad or hurt." He adds, "right, like you cried when Simba died. We still miss him but we're not as sad anymore, so we don't cry about it." "Yep, because we know he's happier now; he had a very long happy life, and he isn't old and suffering now."

Garion launches into, "do you think he's a ghost?"
Me: hrm.... I don't know. What do you think?
Garion: I think he is. I saw a program on tv talking about ghosts, and I think they're real.
Me: well, some people do think they're real, and some don't.
Garion: You should watch that tv show if you want to believe they're real. 'Cause I saw it on tv, so, it must be real.
Me: err.. not everything on tv is real, though. most of it isn't.
Garion: Oh, I know, but this was real.
Me: mmmk.. :p

07-15-2010, 06:03 PM
I thought the book was really weird...and I didn't quite "get" it. I think I was around 10 or so...not sure exactly. Maybe older than that, but not much. I know that by 12 or 13 I knew the whole story, it was no secret in our house. My parents were always really open and honest about things like that. Too much, sometimes! ;l

ah. my parents didn't tell me shit until I figured it all out on my own through various means... and *then* they went directly to the overshare. ;l I guess that's why I'm struggling with how much information she should have at any given time. I certainly don't shy away from answering that gives her enough info to satisfy her curiosity, but I'm not ready [and I don't believe she is either, nor needs to be ready] for the whole "this is a penis, it makes sperm," portion of festivities. And that's basically all that's left to answer at this point... that and exactly HOW the baby makes its way out of the mom. Another part of me is aware that she has expressed several times that she's uncomfortable with the concept of having her own children right now, and I wouldn't want to say anything to scare the hell out of her as far as the whole labor portion of it. She does know that it hurts and that there are also medications that can help make it not hurt, but she doesn't know why it would hurt. Again, just.. not necessary yet!

07-18-2010, 04:03 AM
This isn't so much funny as mortifying:

I went out to dinner tonight with my son and best friend. Said best friend does have some visible upper lip hair. It doesn't rival Tom Selleck or anything, but it's there. My son turns to her during dinner and says, "Tricia, you have a mustache." Dead silence. Again: "Tricia, you have a mustache." I turned to my friend and said, "You know I'm mortified, right?" We did have a good laugh after I told Sean he was being rude.

07-18-2010, 11:11 PM
Thanks for making me SMILE, everyone! I love these threads and miss *my* girls.

07-23-2010, 02:42 PM
"I'm just going to go have a little check" says the 2.5 yrs old in response to me saying there may be construction trucks down the road. Not that funny, but super cute :)

07-31-2010, 12:09 AM
Went for a walk tonight, and when we were passing by the creek, Jack points at the creek and says "You see the whale shark?" ;l

07-31-2010, 09:01 PM
Abby has decided she really wants to start potty training now. She picked out some pullups today, and as soon as we got home from the store stripped off her diaper and put on a pull up. And now she is running around the house yelling "PULL UP! I'M WEARING PULL UPS! PULL UP PULL UP PULL UP!!!"

08-01-2010, 05:32 PM
My friend's 5-year-old son announced the other day that he is no longer wearing pants because, "My penis is a magic wand!"

08-01-2010, 06:07 PM
Kaiya came running in from outside just now: "Mom, is this a caterpillar or a maggot?" upon hearing the word "maggot," my arsehole has tried to climb up into my stomach as the rest of my body prepares to attempt the magic of shrinking as far back into the couch as possible. She opens her hand to reveal a large, fat beige caterpillar and I'm nearly dry heaving. "It's a caterpillar, take it outside." thankgodthankgodthankgod. Child has never seen a maggot and has no idea what they look like. ;l

08-02-2010, 06:46 PM
^ I would have been the same way!

Tess was riding around the living room on her powerwheels 4-wheeler this morning. She had just previously dumped out her whole shoe basket and they were impeding progress. I got up to help and before I could get there I hear, "Get out of my way shoes! You ass! Do you understand me? Who would put shoes there????"

08-05-2010, 05:11 PM
On the way to the store -

Garion: Oh! My balls are in my pocket!
Me: ........................*cries laughing*
Garion: .... what? no, not THOSE balls...

Getting out of the car in the parking lot -

Garion: I see a dragonfly!
Kaiya: Are dragonflies harmless?
Me: yes.
Garion: nuh uh, they'll fart in your face if you get too close to them!
Kaiya: You're thinking of skunks.
Garion: oh. yeah...

Getting back in the car after shopping -

Garion: she's breathing in my face!
me: oh my goodness, it's the end of the world.
Kaiya: well he called me an old lady!
me: well maybe you are one.
Kaiya: nuh uh, YOU are!
Garion and Kaiya: *hysterical laughter*
me: *blinkblink* ....heyyyyyy... ... .

At home, throwing away their toothbrushes to replace w/ the new ones bought at the store -

Garion: *gently lays his toothbrush in the trash*
Kaiya: *tosses hers like a normal person*
Garion: you act like you don't care about your toothbrush!
Kaiya: *looks at Garion like he's just grown an eye on his forehead*

08-15-2010, 09:50 PM
The kids playing a video game:

Garion: Dad, you gotta tell Kaiya to stop being this guy because she keeps beating me!
Dave: It's just like the other game where you like to be the guy with the claws and beat her all the time....
Garion: *SMIRK*
Dave: What?
Garion: ....Uh, she's kicking my butt...?!


08-18-2010, 05:38 AM
Per usual, my husband picked me up from work and upon seeing me, my son rolls down the window and starts yelling, "Mama! Mama!" Nothing unusual there. Until he yells that he has something to tell me. I'm thinking he's going to tell me what he had for dinner or what he and Daddy did while I was gone. But oh no. I was greeted with, "Daddy had diarrhea! For real!" I'm so glad this was later in the evening when there weren't a whole lot of people in the parking lot. ;l

08-18-2010, 12:57 PM
;l If that were the case I'd feel mortified for the guy

08-19-2010, 07:18 PM
Other parents may be horrified by this, but it was funny to us.

The other night at a restaurant, after Jack finished his food, I gave him his sippy cup. As he put it in his mouth, a few drops spilled onto his shirt. He put the cup back down, picked up his shirt and held it out to have a look at it and said "ohnogoddamit."

Sean and I cracked up. ;l

I will be watching my mouth more around my little parrot.

08-19-2010, 09:13 PM
hahahaha Abby does that ALL THE TIME!

08-28-2010, 03:59 AM
So I took Lucien to African lion safari on the way back from Michigan today. He kept asking if they'd be real lions there, I told him yes real ones not fake ones. To which answered" they're alive right? Not the kind that used to be and are now dead that are creepy?". No buddy they're alive and real.

We get to the lions

HOLYSHIT Mom! They're really alive !

-rests forehead on steering wheel and laughs till I cry-

Oh this isn't a said funny but last night while falling asleep, I tooted and it scared him awake. After he flailed he sat straight up gave me the death look grabbed his blanket laid down in a huff with his back to me. I just laid on the bed laughing to which he turned to give me another look.

08-28-2010, 02:47 PM
;l ;l ;l

08-29-2010, 09:06 AM
6 yo niece today was talking about a whale she saw on TV. "it was as big as a bear...it was rooollly huge".
Hmmm, I guess bears are bigger than whales, generally?

09-17-2010, 10:32 PM
Garion and I were at the store earlier today. We passed by the new Halo: Reach game display at the front of the store, when Garion got excited - it's one of his and Dave's favorite games, and they play against each other [with Garion giving Dave a serious run for his money most of the time]. In the game, they have these "sticky bombs" that you throw at your opponent, and they stick, and the other person generally blows up. Anyway. Garion announces to the general public at the front of the store, "Hey, remember when dad stuck me in the butt? I bled all over the place!" I was doubled over laughing because of just how wrong that sounded. ;l

09-18-2010, 12:14 AM
;l Jesus, that's just so wrong

09-18-2010, 12:21 PM
"Hey, remember when dad stuck me in the butt? I bled all over the place!"

[yikes] ;l

09-21-2010, 08:30 PM
The kids were playing Scrabble Slam:

Kaiya: "Toke" isn't a word.
Garion to me: Is "toke" a word?
Me: *snickers* uhh... ask daddy. [from his much younger days...]
Garion: Daddy, is "toke" a word?
Dave: *grin* uh, yep.


09-21-2010, 08:47 PM
said "ohnogoddamit."

HOLYSHIT Mom! They're really alive !

Is it wrong of me to think these are kind of awesome? I know kids shouldn't cuss, but holy crap it's funny when they do!

09-22-2010, 06:16 PM
It is pretty funny when they do.

I'll never forget several months ago when Lucien pretty much parroted Futurama (bad parenting ahoy!) by shouting "I'm here to kick your ass!" aaaaaaaand i was like dood, not nice to say, so he apologizes "mommy i'm sorry for saying i was going to kick your ass" -sighs- The first one i was shocked -l- the second it took everything i had not to die laughing. He was so serious faced about it.

This isnt' funny kids, but funny parents (because omg it's so true)

09-22-2010, 10:53 PM
where's the "like" button?! l;ol

10-02-2010, 10:34 PM
We bought the game Ultimate Alliance yesterday for Garion. On the way home he was trying to figure out who the characters were that are lesser known to him. Instead of asking Dave [a former comic book junkie], he made up his own names. He was showing his sister the cover of the game in the back seat: "Look; here's uh... 'Hot Girl', and ... errr... 'Sheild Guy,' annnnd... 'Mister Deadness.'.... " ;l;l;l;l

10-04-2010, 01:52 AM
^He's amazing! Sounds like it's never a dull moment lol.

We bought Tess, two years old, a drum kit at TRU the other day. When we got home she was jumping up and down and pacing tying to get Jamie to open it so she could play. He explained to her that she had to eat something first because it was lunchtime, and that he would assemble it/ get the batteries in while she was eating. She shook her head and said, "Dadda, you're too clever." Apparently she appreciated his negotiating skills.

10-04-2010, 04:40 AM
He is absolutely one of the funniest people I've ever met! And that little sense of humor of his has gotten him into trouble on quite a few occasions, too! ;l I think his sense of humor is one of his biggest saving graces, because my goodness most of the time he's just making us go out of our minds with the hyper activity and back talk. augh. He's pretty lucky that he's so cute and funny. ;)

10-05-2010, 11:42 PM
Kaiya: Can I have an ear twig?
Me: What is an ear twig...?
Garion: Oh, she means an ear plunger.
Me: A what?
Dave: Q-tip.
Me: ah.....

10-07-2010, 02:10 AM
;l ;l ;l ;l

Em, I'm joining in on the "I love your kids" club!

10-07-2010, 12:39 PM
awwww [post28]

10-10-2010, 04:20 PM
I'm sitting here playing Lego Batman and Garion's watching. I had to use The Riddler to zap/mind control some guy into lowering a mini kit piece. Garion says, "oh, well that was nice of him!" ;l;l;l

10-12-2010, 11:45 PM
Kaiya: Wednesday at 2:30, Cat in the Hat will be on tv. I added it on program.
Me: Oh. But you'll be in school....
Kaiya: I know. I checked it so you could watch it.
Me: Oh. .....


10-13-2010, 12:11 AM
;l How thoughtful of her <3

10-13-2010, 03:00 PM
Nate: We learned about Columbus today in school
Me: Oh great. (rolling eyes, thinking I'm going to have to dispute everything they taught him)
Me: What did you learn?
Angry Nate: He was a total JERK FACE!
Nate: He captured Native Americans and made them slaves!

Yay for schools that teach the REAL history!!!

10-13-2010, 05:28 PM
Ok, so it's not funny, but so incredibly cute:
My niece moved to the Azores because her steppdad is in the military. The last time I spoke with her, I told her to write me a letter. She was psyched. She's 7.
Yesterday she sent me this via email:

Subject: From Emma

I miss you. When is your birthday? How old are you? How is your cat? When is your cat's birthday? I am going to bed now, I love you and goodnight


I cried. I adore that kid!

10-13-2010, 10:34 PM
Aww, that is adorable :)

10-14-2010, 12:12 AM
Earlier, Sean was looking for the TV remote since it wasn't in it's usual spot. My husband is notorious for leaving it in random places. This was our conversation:

Sean: Where's the remote?
Me: I'm not sure. I think Daddy left it somewhere. Oh, look, there it is.
Sean: Next time leave it somewhere I can find it.

10-15-2010, 03:03 PM
Do we have the same husband? Mine leaves everything in random places, drives me nuts! Especially when it's the car keys!

10-15-2010, 09:52 PM
It's a guy thing ;)

11-01-2010, 12:27 AM
Driving down the road on the way to trick or treat:

Dave: *points out the window at a dog* look, there's a kid dressed up like a dog!
Kids: nuuuh uhhhhhh...!
Dave: yeah it is! it's a little kid dressed up like a dog!
Kaiya: nooo... it's just a dog!
Garion: besides, costumes aren't allowed to show your butthole.
Me and Dave: *dead* ;l

11-01-2010, 08:47 PM
Kaiya: I fell asleep on the bus today on the way home.
Me: oh?
Kaiya: Yeah. With Cole. He's my boyfriend
Me: ..oh?
Kaiya: Yep. I love him.
Me: what would Jason Boyer say.... [he's our local weatherman and Kai has had a crush on him for years]
Kaiya: he's only my forecast boyfriend.

11-01-2010, 09:17 PM

12-04-2010, 10:54 PM
Dave to me: Did Garion tell you he's getting one of his front teeth in?
Me: No!.. Garion, are you getting your two front teeth for Christmas??
Garion: *furiously shaking his head no* I'm getting a skateboard.


12-04-2010, 11:08 PM
;l ;l ;l

12-07-2010, 08:52 PM
Dave had just crawled out of bed with no shirt on when I raised the temperature on the thermostat when I realized it was getting cold.

Garion: I bet Dad's cold!
Me: I bet he is, too!
*Dave comes back out wearing a sweater*
Garion: Oh, you must be cold; your thing's shakin'!
*Dave and I immediately try to stifle giggles*
Garion: ... teeth.


12-07-2010, 11:31 PM
My eldest just said "grass is little green rockets that we can walk on"

12-08-2010, 04:07 AM
To preface: Abby is potty training right now.

As per her usual habit, she followed me into the restroom this evening. I started doing what I needed to do and she looks at me with this surprised look on her face saying "Mama, are you going peepee?"
Me: yes I am.


12-08-2010, 09:10 AM
Think of an Australian or English accent for this...My friend's son told her that his sister was naughty because she said "the R word". My friend had to ask what the R word was and he whispered "arsehole".

12-16-2010, 03:44 AM
Every time someone asks my nephew what he asked Santa for Christmas, he says, "I'm not telling anyone! It's gonna be a big surprise!!!" Which is super-cute, but unfortunate, as this is the same line he's giving his parents.

12-17-2010, 12:30 PM
They need to have him write a letter. "Santa needs to check his lists twice."

12-20-2010, 11:52 PM
Every time someone asks my nephew what he asked Santa for Christmas, he says, "I'm not telling anyone! It's gonna be a big surprise!!!" Which is super-cute, but unfortunate, as this is the same line he's giving his parents.

Hopefully the parents secretly went back to Santa and asked...haha

12-30-2010, 03:18 PM
Me: Kaiya, I need you to hurry and finish your room, because I have to go get the car inspected.
Kaiya: Does inspected mean clean?
Me: *picturing the filthly car* No, honey, I wish it did, but no... *makes note to clean out the car before the inspection*

01-12-2011, 02:10 AM
Two and a half year old niece: Let's go to the library?
Me: Well, I'm afraid it's Monday and the library is closed on Mondays.
Niece, after considering this information for a moment, whispers: I have keys.

Tricky little devil!

01-12-2011, 02:41 PM
adorable ;l

01-12-2011, 03:05 PM
Last Fri. we took the 2yo to the ER for stitches. The Dr gave her a blown-up exam glove to mess with while we sitting around. Sunday morning we were in the bathroom when the dog ran in with the popped glove in his mouth.
2yo: Mamaaaaa, Bear ate my balloon. (Fake crying ensues)
Me: You'll live. And you need to stop leaving your things lying around where the dogs can get them.
2yo: *goes to the tub and grabs her bucket*
Me: Where are you going with that? It has to stay in the bathroom.
2yo: But I neeeed it!
Me: Why?
2yo: For my tears.

01-12-2011, 04:57 PM
Aaah hahahahaaaa!

01-23-2011, 04:55 AM
Xavier's been discovering his...uhhh...anatomy lately.

Tonight when he was getting out of the shower he says to me:

"Mom, I found a ball on the end of my peepee.
Me: thinking wtf? You found what?
X: A ball on my peepee. Right on the top of it.
Me: Can you show me? (he had a bout of impetigo a while back so I wanted to make sure nothing was going on.)
X: pulls down his pants, grabs his scrotum and says "it's right there, a little ball inside there."
Me: oh...that's supposed to be there. It's okay.
X: OH! So it helps me go pee?
Me: sure.

*laugh* so it begins!

01-24-2011, 01:15 AM

01-30-2011, 10:50 PM
The other day, headed to a parent/teacher meeting [a couple of minutes late]:

Garion: It's 3:22!
Dave: Yep. We'll get there.
Garion: It's 3:24!
Dave: Yeeeeessss... please stop.
Garion: It's 3:28!
Me: God's sake, son, knock it off.
Dave: We see the clock, and it's a scientific fact that you can learn by observation.


Garion: .... are you talking to me?

01-31-2011, 12:54 PM
So Holden finally weaned about 6 weeks ago (he just turned 3 yrs). Phew, imma right? Anyway, this morning:

H: Mommy, can I have some mommy milk?
Me: Sorry buddy, it's all gone, there's no more mommy milk.
H: You should go to the store and buy some and put it in your boobies.


02-01-2011, 11:09 PM

H: can I have a treat?
Me: no you have to eat dinner first. dinner will make you big and strong.
H: (eats a little bit) I'm finished! Can I have a treat now?
Me: no you have to eat some more dinner.
H: but if I eat more dinner I'll be too big and hit the ceiling!

02-12-2011, 11:36 PM
Me: You're crazy.
Jack: You said it sister!

02-13-2011, 11:00 AM

02-22-2011, 10:42 AM
Me: Come on babe, it's time to wake up, get dressed, and get breakfast.
Garion: I already had breakfast in my dreams.
Me: .... ... .. So you're full?
Garion: mmhmm. *giggle*

02-22-2011, 04:53 PM
Niece and nephew moved to Portugal. Aunt Jamie was late in sending the holiday gifts. Talk to them on the phone the other day. Emma is seven.

Me: Honey, I am sorry the Christmas gifts were so late. I really have no excuse.
Emma: That's totally fine. We know how crazy it can get in America. I understand
Me: You just left America. Did you forget how it runs?
Emma: No. That's why I SAID 'we know how crazy it gets in America.'
Me: Is Portugal really that different?
Emma: Yes. they nap all of the time.


03-02-2011, 03:59 AM
Sometimes 3 is a really fun age...

On the way home from daycare this evening, Abby starts coughing so I ask if she's okay.

Abby: Yes, but I peed a little bit.
Me: (she's in underwear! Not in the car!!) Okay. Just try to hold it until we get home.
Abby: I can't.
Me: Yes you can baby. We'll be home in 5 minutes, you can hold it okay?
Abby: No. I can't, Mama. My hands are full!

03-02-2011, 04:12 AM
Abby: No. I can't, Mama. My hands are full!
;l ;l ;l

Kids are so literal sometimes! Reminds me of when my mother told me to, "Quit fiddling around," and I said, "But I don't even have a fiddle!"

Robin Sparkles
03-17-2011, 01:31 PM
We were out to dinner with some friends and their almost-3-year-old a couple weeks ago, and we all decided to walk to the pet store after we ate. On the way there Bella kept saying, "We're going to see the puppies and the titties! I love puppies and titties!"

03-19-2011, 02:39 AM
;l Misprounouced words are so much fun!

We have this happy meal toy from when Star Trek came out. It's a little figurine of Bones and when you push button it says "I'm a Doctor, not a physicist!"

Abby loves it, and she is always repeating the phrase. However, she says "I'm not a Doctor Penis!"

03-22-2011, 06:44 PM
Kaiya: I have a new classmate. His name's Daniel.
Me: Cool. Is he your new boyfriend?
Kaiya: Nope.
Me: Will he be your new boyfriend tomorrow?
Kaiya: No. He doesn't even know what 9 x 1 is.
Dave: Smart girl, going after the brains, huh?
Kaiya: Yeah. My other two boyfriends know everything.
Me: They may think they do....


04-02-2011, 12:08 PM
Garion, standing at the kitchen sink, pouring out a bit of old milk into a pan with water:

"Coooooool! The milk I poured in compromises the water in the pan!"

Kaiya and I: *buh?*

[this had literally come out of nowhere, and I wasn't aware he knew that word, much less could use it correctly.]

05-13-2011, 02:19 AM
Gems from tonight

-shares bowl of Cheetos with Lucien-
Lucien: mom, you've been SOOOOOOOOOOOOO good today, i think you deserve another bowl of cheesies....
Me: Why so you can eat most of them?
Lucien:Nooooooooooo. nononono ,I am not going to eat any of them
Me: So i can go get the bag and eat them all and you don't want any?
Lucien: ......-horrified look-

Lucien: -presents feet- TICKLE MAH FEETS!
Me: -tickles-

05-14-2011, 03:11 AM
Jacob doesn't form sentences yet (he's 20 months), but it seems the question "ta?" (aka "please") has been replaced with the statement "okay". Maybe I give in a little too easily, methinks.

05-14-2011, 10:36 AM

05-15-2011, 01:13 AM
My 2 year old...
Makayla: *farts*
Me: p u!
Makayla: daddy, my p u is awesome!

05-25-2011, 02:40 PM
Me: I’ll be down in a little while, Holden.
Holden: what does a little while mean?
Me: It means soon.
Holden: I have some questions about a little while.
Me: Like what?
Holden: ummmmm I don’t know. I don’t have a list.

Shady Pines, Ma
05-26-2011, 02:57 AM
Just completed my 3 month student teaching in a first grade class.

Me: "We are mammals because we have hair, we give birth to live young and we feed our babies milk from little mammal parts."
Girl: "Yeah, and they're also called TITTIES!" (said very loud).
Even I laughed with the class.

Girl: "Ms. H., guess what?"
Me: "What's that?"
Girl: "My mom and dad got in a fight last night and they're STILL in jail!" And she laughed!

Boy: "When I get in trouble, my parents hang me on the wall for ten minutes."
Me: "Come again?"
Boy: "They pick me up and hang me by my shirt on a nail."

05-26-2011, 03:30 AM
*I* thought this was funny, even though it wasn't much appreciated by the husband...

Dad: Why is it that Hungry Hungry Hippos sat out for weeks and no one played it, but the second I put it away you pull it out again, play with it and then leave it out again?
Abby: Hungry Hungry Hippos is fun!
Dad: Put it away!
Abby: (completely straightfaced) There's the box Daddy.

06-20-2011, 01:11 PM
Me: We have someone coming over this morning, so go straighten up your room, please.
Garion: Who is it?
Me: It doesn't matter; just go straighten your room.
Garion: What are they going to do here? Who is it?
Me: It's the Pope, son! The Pope is coming! GO STRAIGHTEN YOUR ROOM!

20 minutes later, Kaiya comes in from outside:

Garion: Oh, I thought you were the Pope.

Me: *dying*

06-24-2011, 05:10 AM
Me to my 7 year old: "Don't butt into conversations you know nothing about."
Sean: "You said butt."

06-29-2011, 03:29 PM
My youngest niece (4) and a friend:

Niece holds herself.

friend: do you have to go to the bathroom?
niece: no.
friend: why are you holding yourself, then?
niece: it's my vagina and I will do that if I want to!

06-29-2011, 03:53 PM
Kaiya: can I make a sandwich really quickly before we leave?
Me: yes, but please hurry, I want to leave soon.
Kaiya: then can I make one for the car?
Garion: the car doesn't need a sandwich.

*giggle* he's as quick witted as his momma... love it!

06-29-2011, 04:06 PM
;l Oh, that IS a good one!

06-30-2011, 03:01 AM
My two youngest are so funny. They're only 13 months apart and are about as close as twins in their behavior. As far back as I can remember, they have always ended up sleeping in the same room together, whether it be my daughter's room, or the living room, or even the hallway floor.... Tonight we just fixed and reassembled the bunk beds that was formerly just a single bed in each of their bedrooms; we put it in my daughter's room. Guess who is sound asleep in their own beds for the first time I can ever remember? ;l Maybe it's just the novelty of having a bunk bed, but I hope this puts an end to my having to drag them out of the other one's room, finding them in the middle of the hallway asleep, or finding them passed out on the couch!

06-30-2011, 11:48 AM
That's really, really sweet Em, and 1000x more pleasant a problem than constantly having to stop them trying to tear each other's eyes out!

06-30-2011, 12:12 PM
Oh, they do that, too.... ;l;l

06-30-2011, 12:33 PM

06-30-2011, 02:29 PM
Kaiya just brought her nightlight to me. "I won't need this anymore since I have Garion."
*falls over dead from sweetness*
[15 minutes earlier, of course, they were screaming at each other, I swear.]

06-30-2011, 02:53 PM

07-07-2011, 11:29 PM
my 8 year old just made me laugh until I almost barfed. we were discussing magic and I was teasing him that love was magic because you can't see it or feel it like a physical thing. he piped up with, "oh yes you can feel it; it feels like angina!" I died and died. then he goes, "what is that anyway, chest pains?" ROTF!

07-08-2011, 10:23 AM
Pretty much! lol. I's good to know he's got it all figured out already! [post28]

07-08-2011, 12:41 PM
My aunt said, "he's definitely got his mom's sense of humor.." ahahahahaa

07-09-2011, 02:01 AM
The girl child somehow managed to get apple juice squirting out her nose ... so she yells, "Ahhhh! That's irritating! And delicious!"


07-09-2011, 12:57 PM
yargh! ;l

07-09-2011, 05:56 PM
Last night the 3 yo was sitting in the tub. She'd been playing for a while and finally asked for a wash cloth. She announced, "I have to wash up for work tonight." I asked where she worked. She looked around for a clue and decided on "1600 Water St.*"

*Water St. is notorious as the stretch were prostitutes hang out. Her father was not amused, but I had to put my knitting down, I was laughing so hard.

07-15-2011, 03:40 AM
Overheard on the monitor today post-nap: "Mommmmmmaaaaaa! There's a bug in my room, and I think it has raaaaaaabiiiiiiiies!"

07-15-2011, 05:54 PM
I showed Jack a picture of me at age 3. I asked him "who's that?" and he says: "Lady Gaga!" ;l ;l ;l

Kids are weird.

07-29-2011, 02:09 AM
So my 4yo came from home with this teensy scab on the bridge of her nose, I asked what had happened (not that I was at all worried about it...)

She replies "I don't want to."
I ask why not, she says "Dad, it's too long a story, I don't want to tell it."

Basically she tl;dr'd me at 4.

07-31-2011, 03:07 PM
From my 18 yr old cousin's blog:

“I was praying with my little sister one night before bed and at the end of the prayer we both say ‘We love you, God. We love you, Jesus. We love you, Holy Spirit’. Only this time I listened to what she said and realized she has been saying ‘Holy Ferret’ this entire time.”

08-01-2011, 03:20 PM

08-02-2011, 08:13 AM
;l That's hilarious! When I worked in a Catholic school some of our little kids used to sign the cross as "In the name of the Farter". Nothing as genius as Holy Ferret though.

08-23-2011, 03:23 PM
Holden (3.5 yrs), last night:

"If I could drive a front loader I would dump dirt on babies. I'm not a big fan of babies. They're rough with Floppy (his stuffed animal that goes with him everywhere)."

08-24-2011, 05:10 AM
My friend's kid (who was maybe 8 at the time): "Mom, your teeth are yellow like the sun." Hahahaha. She bought whitening toothpaste that day.

08-24-2011, 05:20 AM
A colleague who is an ESL teacher asked his students what they did last night:

"I was in my room. My parents played bed sports."


08-25-2011, 03:43 PM
Oh lord.

09-13-2011, 02:18 AM
Tess came into the living room carrying the compass from her camping set. She stood in the middle of the floor looking intently at it, made a 90 degree turn and said, "Momma this way is North." Then she turned another 90 degrees and said, "And this way is Paradise."

09-13-2011, 02:30 AM
;l ;l ;l

09-20-2011, 06:01 PM
I took the kids to see The Lion King on Friday, where we saw a preview for the new Matt Damon movie "We Bought a Zoo."

Last night we saw a commerical for Moneyball, with Brad Pitt.

Xavier says: Mom! That's the movie about the zoo, remember?
Me: no, that's the baseball movie.
Xavier: no, it's the zoo movie mom, it's the same guy.

So apparently, my son thinks Brad Pitt and Matt Damon are the same person.


10-09-2011, 01:07 PM
Garion is having a meltdown because Kaiya has been asked to help a family friend clean her house for $5 per hour. I reminded him that he is doing extra things that Kaiya hasn't been able to, like participate in Cub Scouts and has the chance to earn a $150 gift card if he sells enough popcorn. But he was not hearing any of it.

Garion: I'm NEVER going to get that money!
Me: You already sold $160 worth of popcorn in a couple of hours yesterday!
Garion: I have to sell $2548 dollars!
Me: That sounds like a pretty strange amount...
Kaiya: You're almost there!
Garion: No I'm not, I only sold a hundred and 60 freakin' dollars!
Kaiya: Wellp... only $2000 to go....

*commence us all busting out laughing*


12-05-2011, 07:38 AM
Putting up the Christmas tree lights the other night and my 2yo Jacob praised me with "Good boy, mummy"!

12-06-2011, 03:18 AM
Abby dictating her letter to Santa to Daddy tonight: "Dear Santa, I have been a good girl. I love you Santa. You are my best friend. I want some things, but I don't know." LOL.

Xavier while watching Linus' speech on A Charlie Brown Christmas. "Mom, why did he say I was born on Christmas?"
Me: What?
Xavier: He said "On this day a Xavier was born."
Me: LOL He said "on this day A SAVIOR was born."

12-06-2011, 10:12 AM
omg ;l

12-06-2011, 01:52 PM

Holden in santa's letter which he dictated to me:
"I am doing good listening. I smile at Santa. I love your reindeer but don't want to pet them. I want a dragon and a castle."

12-06-2011, 05:54 PM
I really need to get Tess to dictate a letter. It sounds like fun.

Meanwhile, I'm about 10 weeks pregnant with our second. Tess figured it out within days and is aware she needs to be more careful when rough-housing. We were wrestling around and she got this stricken look on her face.
Tess: "I'm sorry, did I hurt my baby?"
Me: "No silly everything is fine."
Tess: "Good"
She looked thoughtful for a minute, ran up to me, and cupped her hands around her mouth to yell into my stomach.
Tess: "Hang in there baby! I'll be right back! I just have to get a shovel and some scissors to get you out!"

Who knew that all you needed for a home c-section was a shovel and some scissors?

12-06-2011, 06:29 PM
Who knew that all you needed for a home c-section was a shovel and some scissors?

As long as she understands you wont survive, that may actually work ;l.

12-10-2011, 10:12 AM
Told Jacob "we're going to the Carols". His response? "beans...beans and carrots".

12-10-2011, 12:35 PM
Me: Your jackets and sweatshirts get hung up in your closet.
Garion: There are no hookers in my closet.
Dave: I think you mean hangers.


12-14-2011, 12:39 AM
Garion's latest attempt at not going to bed on time: "There's a fly in the house and I think it's carrying a disease, and I'm not going to be able to go to sleep until you kill it." Nice try, son.

12-20-2011, 07:25 PM
My seven year old asked us if we believe in Justin Bieber. The husband and I were completely confused! It took us a bit to figure out that she was confusing Justin Bieber with Jesus.
Oh the joys of raising a child agnostic in a "god fearing" area of the country!

12-20-2011, 08:31 PM
oh my .... ;l

[I can't believe she's already 7!]

12-31-2011, 11:02 AM
And the confusion continues. Yesterday she was playing Kinnect's dance game with her dad, I saw a Justin Bieber song and noted such aloud. Mariana says "Papi play the Jesus Bieber song". I battled to keep a straight face and said "honey, its Justin Bieber". It doesn't help that when she said Bieber, it sounded a lot like beaver.

01-04-2012, 12:47 PM
Holden last night in the tub, playing with his nuts: "ooh there's a baby in there! oooh, there's two!"

01-04-2012, 02:40 PM
My seven year old asked us if we believe in Justin Bieber. The husband and I were completely confused! It took us a bit to figure out that she was confusing Justin Bieber with Jesus.

OMG! You HAVE to write that one down somewhere! That's hilarious! You should get a crucifix with a hanging Justin Beiber on it :p

(too much but a girl can ;l)

Holden last night in the tub, playing with his nuts: "ooh there's a baby in there! oooh, there's two!"

Sounds like my boys. I've got penis stories for days.

01-04-2012, 03:36 PM
OMG! You HAVE to write that one down somewhere! That's hilarious! You should get a crucifix with a hanging Justin Beiber on it :p

(too much but a girl can ;l)

I have a journal where I keep developments and funny stuff that she says. Thanks for reminding me that I should write this down!

01-04-2012, 05:59 PM
I have this book and give it to mother's at their kid's 2nd bdays:



01-05-2012, 08:36 PM

eta: just ordered this one: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0307395715/ref=ox_ya_os_product

01-10-2012, 12:58 AM
At dinner tonight:

Dad: *buuurrrrp*
Abby: Say Excuse you!
Dad: Excuse you
Abby: No, you say "excuse me"
Dad: Excuse me
Abby: Dad doesn't have manners.


01-10-2012, 08:09 PM
Staring out the car window with a huge smile on his face-

Me: What in the world are you thinking about?
Jack: Coffeeeeee!

;l ;l ;l

01-17-2012, 10:00 PM
Xavier talking about what a platypus is (in regards to Perry the Platypus on Phineas and Ferb)

It's got feet like a duck, but a tail like a beaver. It should be called a "Beaver-Puss!"


01-17-2012, 10:01 PM
;l ;l ;l

01-18-2012, 12:41 AM
ohboy ;l

01-20-2012, 09:46 PM
I'd love to get this for my son, b/c "Crap" is his favorite word (and most scolded, too). Plus he likes zombies (b/c "zombies were alive a long time ago"):


Of course, we won't be buying it. Poo.

01-21-2012, 01:03 PM
LOL my son loves zombies too. He's 4, so he likes the cartoon ones (plants vs zombies). His favorite thing to do is to get on his dad's back and pretend they're the zombies from near the end of the game. Mini zombie on giant zombie's back, then they chase me. Ack!

01-21-2012, 07:31 PM
aww, that's cute :)

01-24-2012, 08:56 AM
I recently showed Jacob a picture of a relative whose name is Lorraine. After I told him her name, I couldn't figure out why he started singing Incy Wincy Spider. As I sang along with him, I soon discovered why...'out came the sun and dried up ALL THE RAIN...'

02-29-2012, 04:22 PM
Last night, Abby and Xavier had connected Crayola markers and turned them into magic wands to play "Harry Potter."

Xavier points his "wand" at her and yells "Wingardium Leviosa!" Abby retaliates by saying "Windy Raviolisa!!" ;l

Xavier and I just looked at each other and busted up laughing.

02-29-2012, 04:53 PM
Aaaaaaaw! Awesome!

02-29-2012, 05:42 PM
Sean: Today at school "C" told me a bad word for God.
Daddy: Ok. And what is it?"
Sean: Cunt
Daddy: Nonononono

My husband then went on to explain that is a naughty word that means a lady's private parts and he should never say it. Oh, how we all laughed after...

02-29-2012, 11:06 PM
^ oh. wow. Funny when kids say swear words (not that we'd let them know that!), but I wonder why 'C', or more likely, 'C's parents, calls God that?

04-15-2012, 12:26 AM
This is more a "funny thing kids do" but I'm still gonna post it here.

Xavier got his first athletic supporter today. Full on padded boxers and cup. He's playing competitive Little League this season (as opposed to the non-competitive he's been playing for the last 4 years) and needed one to play. As soon as he got home he immediately put it on and has spent the rest of the evening punching himself in the crotch, and inviting the rest of us to do the same. ;l

Oh the joys of little boys!

04-15-2012, 04:41 AM
^^Mine does the same thing! ;l

04-17-2012, 02:36 AM
I honestly don't think I could mother a boy. I like to chuckle from afar, but all that testosterone,all day, everyday?

05-13-2012, 02:53 AM
Abby was in high form today.

This morning as I was trying to manage the tangles in her hair:
"Mom, just put a pony in, so the tangles can hide...like ninjas."

And tonight before her bath she was looking at some pictures we have up in the hallway, one of our wedding.
A: I remember when you got married, were me and brother there?
Me: No, you weren't born yet, big girl.
A: Was I still in your tummy then?
Me: yes...sort of.
A: Brother was still in your tummy then too right?
Me: yes
A: So we just played together in your tummy? But then...how did you eat?


05-21-2012, 04:31 AM
My nephews were in a wedding this weekend. My SIL ordered some shoes for them (white leather, I think) to wear with their khaki suits, and when my oldest nephew (age 6) saw them he flat-out refused to put them on. He said, "Those are baby shoes!!! If I wear those I will look like I came right out of the nursery!" ;l

So this weekend at the wedding, I asked him why he didn't wear the white shoes his Mom picked out for him and he said, "I DON'T want to TALK about it."

Then he and I won a dance contest and he told me everyone wanted his autograph. And that we were the best dancers in the whole building. And he kept dragging me back on to the dance floor, saying, "We can DO THIS, Aunt Jessica! We can do this! They love us!"


05-21-2012, 12:51 PM
^ ha! Did he hold his hand up when he said "I DON'T want to TALK about it."?

06-23-2012, 11:02 AM
Jacob sitting with a sheet over his head (calls it "tulla"), saying "I are princess". Gotta love him ;o)

07-20-2012, 04:46 AM
My husband, 8 year old, and I were coming home from dinner tonight and the boy was being particularly obnoxious. Just squirming around in the back seat, singing very loudly along with the radio, just all around being annoying.

My husband: "You better knock that off or..."
Sean: "Suffer your wrath?"

We couldn't not laugh at that.

02-28-2013, 07:09 AM
Jacob was drinking juice the other day and said "I love my drink. It's....drinky" :p