View Full Version : Being a Parent is hard...

06-19-2010, 05:13 AM
So in the other thread I had talked before about how Xavier had a really rough transition into the after school program at school and was being bullied a bit by some of the older kids. We'd talked to the teacher and that seemed to have all been resolved, and he did really well for the rest of the year.

Well...it's starting again now that he's in the summer camp program at his school. It's a combination program with three schools participating and many of the same kids who were in the afterschool program are in the summer camp program as well.

He's been coming home very upset, tired and cranky. Anything will set him off crying, whining, and yelling. We know that part of it is that he's hungry because he's just not getting enough nutritious food right now and we're going to be working on that.

But in the last two days he's come home with this information...

Thursday the camp went to see Shrek at the theatre. Jeff had cleared it with the teacher that he was allowed to bring a little spending money, so he gave Xavier $5 with explicit instructions to be very careful with it and bring home the change. He gets home and no change. Jeff questions him and he says he only bought some skittles at the movie and that was it. But he wouldn't say what happened with the rest of the money. BIG meltdown at bedtime, and after he finally calms down he tells me that one of the kids took the change from him. He said "B didn't have any money, so he kept my dollar and the quarters I had." I asked why and he just kept saying that B took it because he didn't have any money of his own. NOTE: B is the same kid who was bullying him the first time.

Today he comes home and says that he's starving because he didn't eat his lunch. We ask why and he says that C and another kid (wouldn't say who, I asked if it was B and he said no it was someone else) took it. That they had asked if they could have it and when Xavier said no, they took it anyway. All he ate was a cracker and his juice box apparently. He went to the teacher and the kids were eventually sent home, but they didn't have anything to give Xavier to eat. So my kid basically starved all day.

So...that's what's going on. Jeff is ready to take him out of the program in July if this continues. They do a lot of activities but the supervision just doesn't seem to be there for the kids. And I'm really not happy that this is going on again. With the same kid! I'm at a loss as to how to help Xavier become more assertive and be able to defend himself.

06-19-2010, 01:17 PM
My kids participated in a summer program that sounds quite similar to what you describe in regards to size and supervision. Way too many young counselors mixed with way too many kids. My son was not bullied but didn't care for the camp and I didn't like how chaotic it was every time I did drop off or pick up. My daughter had gone there when it was far more manageable but there seemed to be a decline in structure and direction by the time my son started going. We pulled him out and never looked back. What I have found with both of my kids, they often will not let on how much they disliked something until they don't have to do it anymore. My son has told me numerous times how happy he is that he no longer has to go to his old camp. Definitely trust your gut on this one and try to find an alternative if it doesn't feel like it is working.

06-21-2010, 04:12 AM
I'm going to talk to my daughter's daycare this week to see if they might still have room in their program. My daughter really likes the school and they have more professional staff there than the summer camp at the school.

10-10-2010, 07:26 PM
so continued from @...

We're back on the breast! Thanks to those who told me to stick it out and endure the pain! Even with all my coaching and help from outsiders, my lack of understanding of 'letting down' was one of the main culprits that lead me to believe I wasn't making enough for my boy. He's finally drinking enough that I'm noticing my fat kind of melt off now. OMG ...wait - oh back to the shitty stuff...

MY BACK AARRGGGH. I'm having insane mid-back pain from carrying him around. I know Im developing some serious new muscle there but i cannot get a break long enough to let my back recover. Its just this constant pain and my only comfort is knowing my back is hulking out to support him. I'm hoping the pain will go away, but he keeps gaining & I dont know how i can get ahead of this. Anyone have remedies for this? I get my guy to rest all of his weight on some areas (i'm a trained masseuse so i just guide him) but its really only a temporary relief. Maybe I should google some stretches...

10-10-2010, 09:02 PM
Yay boobie milk!

10-10-2010, 11:23 PM
do you use a baby carrier of any kind or are you just lugging him around pushing your body into a position to help balance yourself?

(hurray for boobie milk!)

10-10-2010, 11:24 PM
http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4090/5069147785_f730acdf5c.jpg (http://www.flickr.com/photos/miaouphoto/5069147785/)

Last night our parrot, Sport (http://www.flickr.com/photos/miaouphoto/2175761702/), passed away.

This morning we had the incredibly difficult task of breaking the news to L and the funeral under the tree. All day he's been surprising both of us on how well he understands and is accepting the loss of one of his best buddies.

This afternoon he put up this stick wall in our patio, and while building it, he was telling me it was for the ants to climb on - later this evening he told Kevin "the branches aren't really for the ants ... it's to remind me of the symbol of the tree and Sport"

10-11-2010, 02:15 PM
Oh Becka, I am so sorry to hear about Sport. L sounds like such a mature and thoughtful child. Amazing how natural our instincts are to memorialize our loved ones.

re back: I have a bjorn but im pretty sure the pain stems from picking him up from the ground or other assorted baby playstations. I'm not doing housework with him on me, I'm just boppin around, soothing, picking up from crib/tummy time = PAIN. I should try to pay attention to any over compensation with the non-holding side and switch holding sides.

10-11-2010, 02:33 PM
I would try a different kind of carrier if you can, one that cradles the kiddo more naturally to the shape of your body versus just hanging off it (i found i had a lot of side/back pain with my bjorn knockoff), however my babyhawk and the other wrap around you a zillion times stretchy wrap was way easier on me.

I also had to pay attention to how i was standing, moving.. you find that you're contorting yourself when you start being aware of it. Also if you do any kind of co-sleeping, you may also be instinctively sleeping in a funky shape to ensure there is enough space around the baby. I had horrific back pain the last 8 months we coslept due to lucien taking up so much room me sleeping funny away from him. Tossed him into his own bed and within a few days my back pain was gone.

10-12-2010, 03:53 AM
Definitely stretches. And/or pilates or gentle yoga (just be sure to let the instructor know you've just had a baby! I did a mums and bubs class at my local gym). Cat stretch pose is a good one to release the spine.

But I found that even everyday things like changing nappies and clothes, was hurting my back and neck. Whenever I breastfed or expressed, I realised I was looking down too much, straining my upper back and neck, so I had to be conscious of sitting straighter. Also made sure I wasn't reaching for things for nappies and wipes at change times. I moved them really close on the change table. I also stood to the side of the change table rather than the end, so that I wasn't reaching too far forward all the time.

Personally, I don't think I would have survived without seeing my osteopath fortnightly. My body was pretty much out of alignment after having Jacob and it needed some work to get back. Even the pilates instructor noticed I wasn't lying straight on the floor. I was to one side, and I didn't even realise it!

Hope you feel better soon.

10-21-2010, 08:02 PM
Thanks Becka, posture is definitely something I have to work on.

And YES toriwannabe- I have been lurching when I breastfeed, now I use huge chair/couch cushions to support me and it makes all the difference in the world. I would love to do yoga or pilates. Im very close to a YMCA, hopefully they have classes. I wish yoga was covered by insurance.

10-22-2010, 07:36 PM
It's one of those [numerous, lately] times where the kids have a 4 day weekend, and I'm praying like hell that we all survive it. The boy especially is just so out of control lately despite our always following through on the consequences; it's like he just doesn't get it... it doesn't sink in. He thinks spankings are funny, and he thinks that he can just come out of his room if he beats on the walls enough, and he will get to play games simply because he wants to, regardless of the fact that I've told him none of these things are going to happen, and they will not. *bangs head against a brick wall* He used to be such a nice little kid, eager to please, always wanting to snuggle. I don't know wtf happened, but I want that one back. :(

10-22-2010, 08:25 PM
I blame it on school. Other shitty kids being an influence. Teasing, etc. His innocence is gone :(
But it's not like he shouldn't be able to just get the fact that he's being punished for his actions and that he needs to change things in order to get his way. His utter refusal is puzzling.

10-22-2010, 08:54 PM
^^Mine has been the same way lately. No matter what I or my husband say, he has to contradict. And we've always followed through on consequences so I have no idea why this shit keeps going on. I agree with you, Dave, about the influence of other kids in school. There is one in particular that I know has been a hugely negative influence on Sean. I see it in certain things he does that just don't seem like "him." I've grown to dread weekends. Two weekends ago it was so bad that I nearly broke down and cried when I realized it was Saturday and not Sunday.

10-24-2010, 03:51 AM
I think its a 7 yr old thing. Xavier has been all attitude lately. "Oh crap" is his new favorite phrase, as well as "well you tell me no all the time, so I'm going to tell it to you!" Hes rude to his sister, me, dad. He's whining and throwing more tantrums now than he has in the last three years it seems. And yet his teacher says other than a bit of talking he is a model student. I guess he saves it all for home! ugh.

10-24-2010, 01:35 PM
"Oh crap," is Garion's favorite phrase, too. Extremely rude, extremely argumentative, doesn't have much interest in anything that's said to him at home. He does well in class most of the time, but does the chatterbox thing once in a while there, too. Basically X and G are pretty similar right now. ;l It could be a 7 year old thing, like you said! Whatever the case, man am I tired of it.

10-24-2010, 06:44 PM
Probably a boy thing. Most boys tend to be full of punk. :p

10-25-2010, 04:09 AM
So this is what I have to look forward to :) (Jacob is 14 months and only just CRAWLING and says about 3 words)

10-25-2010, 01:52 PM
er.... surprise! ;l maybe you'll get lucky and have one of the ones that stay sweet. :)

10-25-2010, 03:39 PM
^^ [spit]

Stay sweet! BWAAAAAAAAAAAAhahahahahahahahahaha!

10-25-2010, 04:44 PM
So what have you guys said about death to your kids? Have they asked?
I really found myself struggling when our cat died last week. I guess part of the problem is I don't really believe one way or another in an afterlife, heaven, angels, ect., so it's hard for me to comfort Nate in that way. I let Nate know that what ever he believes is fine with me. And that no one really knows, we're all just guessing.
Not very comforting, huh? :(

10-25-2010, 04:59 PM
Depends on the kid/age. I'm not against using heaven or "a better place" when trying to relate to kids about death. It's a hard topic to discuss, and their little minds sometimes have a hard time handling it. Heaven or "a better place" kind of fits in with the theory I've used with my daughter, which revolves around spirit. We talk about spirit a lot. Such as: We have spirit in us, just like everything else does. When we die, the spirit leaves us, but the spirit doesn't die. It stays. It goes on to be something else, or travels somewhere else, or maybe it sticks around and that's why we see or feel XYZ. Etc. When Whitney died, we talked about how it was good that her body died because she was in so much pain, and now she wasn't in pain anymore. She wasn't in pain, but she was still with us in spirit, and we had so many good memories of her.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss, Barb. :(

10-25-2010, 06:00 PM
Thank you.

Nate has always been into the thought of "spirit." And just a couple weeks ago we talked about how energy can not be created or destroyed and it kind of conformed it even more for him.
When Boy died we talked a little about Heaven. I told him that if there is a pet Heaven I'm sure Boy Kitty is there now and when we die I hope we get to see him again in our Heaven, and he said "Yeah, what kind of Heaven would that be without our pets!" [post28]

10-25-2010, 07:38 PM
^^I found a very helpful book for my son when his great-grandmother died. It's called Lifetimes. It talks about how everyone is born and they live for a certain amount of time. Sometimes it is a long time and sometimes it is short. People get sick and sometimes they get better and sometimes they don't. But no matter how long, everyone is born, has a lifetime, and then dies. I found it very helpful in that we are not religious and it still had a very simple explanation.

10-25-2010, 08:45 PM
Thanks, I will look it up!

10-25-2010, 09:56 PM
The authors are Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen. They also use plants and animals as examples so it covers both relatives/friends and pets.

10-25-2010, 11:44 PM
We used the same spirit talk with Lucien when Sport died a few weeks ago. We told him everyone returns to the Earth and that their spirit lives on with us in our hearts and memories.

I will def. keep that book in mind however as both Kev and I have aging parents. It's for sure not the conversation I look forward to in the next few years(well hopefully at least 10 -lol-)

10-26-2010, 03:35 AM
*sigh* so we're going on night 3 of Xavier being to scared to sleep.

We went to a pumpkin farm on Saturday, and part of the farm is a "Terror in the Corn" exhibit. Obviously, we are not taking the kids through it at night but they had a walking tour of the ghost town and behind the scenes of the haunted house. We did the tour, and both kids did great. Xavier was really interested and was totally fine during the tour and all through the rest of the day.

Saturday night at bedtime, he started whining and saying he couldn't sleep. He was crying and saying that everytime he closed his eyes he could see the things we saw during the tour. Even after we explained again that it was all pretend and let him read other "happy" books, nothing worked. He ended up coming into my bed at around 11:30 and sleeping with me for the night. Even then he still woke up from bad dreams twice more in the night.

Last night, he did the same thing. I had turned on a movie for him to sleep and he fell asleep fairly quickly so I turned it off. He woke up screaming about an hour later scared again. Jeff ended up having to sit with him for about an hour to help him fall back asleep. Tonight was the same thing, he read books till he started dozing off then woke up scared again so I had to sit with him.

I'm half thinking that he's just playing it up now, but then the tears and fear on his face looks real. So I just don't know and I don't know what we can do to help him understand that he's okay and safe.

10-26-2010, 01:54 PM
Awwww, poor kid. The things you're doing sound right, just keep it up. [post28]

11-08-2010, 05:06 PM
. n/m

01-25-2011, 12:58 AM
We have now entered the "I don't want to poop on the potty" phase of potty training. UGH. I forgot how nasty it is to pull off disgusting underwear.

She is almost fully day trained. Nighttimes I'm not worried about yet, it's really just the poop now. ugh. PLEASE let her learn soon.

01-31-2011, 04:12 AM
We have now entered the "I don't want to poop on the potty" phase of potty training. UGH. I forgot how nasty it is to pull off disgusting underwear.

That is the shittiest part of potty training by far :p I hope it passes soon...

02-03-2011, 02:11 AM
It's been a long time since we have had to follow through on a "threat". Lucien has been increasingly getting more and more "meh" about eating at supper time/what is given to him and I'm tired of it. He was given the choice tonight of dinner and a movie or bedtime right away. He chose to be "full and all done" with his meal after 2 bites, so bedtime it was. It's the first time I've ever put him to bed crying and left him there to cry himself to sleep, it's not something that has ever had to be done and phew was it heartbreaking. I'm REALLY hoping tomorrow there isn't a repeat.

02-03-2011, 11:51 AM
awww :( Garion tries to pull the same stunt; every day there for a while it was, "I'm not eating dinner," or "I hate fish, I'm having a sandwich." Errr, no. This is what's for dinner, and if you're hungry, this is what you'll eat. He was also coming home after school and expecting a second lunch w/ sandwich, chips, and an apple. Since I've put an end to that, and only allowed him an apple and a yogurt after school, he's not only cleaned his plate, but the day before yesterday he had seconds of flounder. The whole fish-hate thing was starting to worry me, though!

02-04-2011, 03:40 AM
We're trying to potty train now. Tess is so inconsistent and we're trying not to pressure her too much. If I let her roam around bare bottomed, she does great. But most of the time will ask for a diaper. I've tried underpants, but she just pees in them like it's a diaper. I'm frustrated to no end. I'm currently trying to explain that if she doesn't get this she won't be able to go to pre-school next Fall.

02-04-2011, 10:15 AM
Do you want me to send you the potty training PDF I used? It worked really well for several people I know. Including Barb here. PM me your email address if you're interested.

02-04-2011, 02:02 PM
I highly recommend it!

02-04-2011, 03:18 PM
Thanks Stephanie! PM sent.

ETA: Got it. It's very much like what I've been trying to do, only more stringent. I think we'll go ahead and lay off for now. I have a Mon. off towards the end of the month to give it the three days.

04-03-2011, 05:12 AM
wooo! Abby is now fully day potty trained! No more pull ups during the day at all, even being out for hours at a time. She's still in pull ups at night, but I'm okay with that.


05-04-2011, 03:04 PM
Poor Holden has had a month from hell. His daycare provider unexpectedly closed her daycare with no warning (bitch! but that's another story). So we started him at another daycare. The same week we had booked painters to paint our house, so we were completely displaced, sleeping over with family. This week is week 2 at daycare, the painting at our house is done BUT we're getting tile floor put in, so we're displaced again. Poor kid has been a trooper, but all this moving around, new daycare and limited time at home has finally come to a boil for him. This week has been a disaster. Tantrum upon tantrum, crying that he wants to go home, etc etc. I feel so bad for him. The tantrums are horrid and really grate on our nerves. He's trying to get away with lots of nonsense (not working). We're being really patient with him because we know he's stressed, but at the same time not backing down on the bratty behavior. It's a fine line. And it's also hard to keep your cool when one 15 minute full out tantrum is followed by another one half an hour later.

This morning I left him at daycare crying so hard, it was so hard to let him go :(

*sigh* looking forward to this weekend when our house is put back together and we can go back to a routine (only to go through it again when we move for real this summer LOL)

05-04-2011, 03:36 PM
Poor baby. He'll bounce back once you guys have a normal routine again. <3

05-04-2011, 05:07 PM
Stephanie - That is a lot of change for the little guy to go through. I think he'll be back to normal once you get back into the house, and once he has adjusted to the new daycare. Hug the little guy for me.

05-05-2011, 04:37 PM
poor little guy :( I had been wondering how he was adapting to his new daycare. As the others have said, he'll bounce back to normal when things settle down. Even with the move, it may be ok because you're all going together with your "home" and won't be dependent on other people's schedules etc

05-05-2011, 05:46 PM
He's doing way better now, even a day later :) We decided that even though our house is a DISASTER that we would stay here anyway, and it has made a difference. H and J had a "boys adventure" last night and went to Home Depot and then picked up dinner. They had a blast, then when H got home we showed him all the construction stuff and he was very impressed. He was happy to sleep in his bed.

Adjusting to daycare has been awesome, thankfully. The drop off is tough some days, and we get some (heartbreaking) tears, but he has a BLAST once there. He's happy and chatty, and they say he's not shy at all! They do LOTS of crafts, and have their own outdoor play area. They have a big window in front and when J picked him up yesterday he said he looked in and saw H spontaneously give one of the "teachers" a happy hug, so that's nice to know.

So I think we're over the worst of it for now :)

Thanks for letting me vent, and then gush a bit too <3

05-05-2011, 05:54 PM
Becks, I think this daycare is so much better than his old daycare. The old one was good for when he was a baby (she was all about nutrition, and attachment parenting), but I think her closing down was a blessing in disguise. I think he was getting bored. She had all these plans to do special things with the kids which never happened (pre-school learning stuff). The only neat thing she ever did was take them to music class every other week for a few months. His new daycare has music several times a week!!

The new daycare has theme weeks (this week is dinosaur week! he's loving it!), and daily crafts (sometimes more than one!), scheduled outdoor play, they rotate toys every 2 weeks, etc. It's sooooo much better for him. His old daycare: never out in the winter at all (ugh), crafts were pretty rare (once a week or less), there were no themes (no learning about holidays etc, which is fun and easy to teach with crafts), and they pretty much had the same toys for the entire time he was there. I almost wish we had switched him earlier!

05-05-2011, 09:19 PM

I long to have these days back again. Today's struggle will begin later, when I have a discussion with my 12-year-old daughter about why it's NOT okay for her to have a 16-year-old boyfriend.

05-06-2011, 02:25 AM
Oh dear. I do not envy you.

05-06-2011, 01:03 PM
Oh my! Hugs to you. Hopefully it's just a crush and not seriously a boy that is interested.

05-06-2011, 09:42 PM
My 8 year old rail thin 3rd grade daughter has decided that she "needs" a bra, and says, of course, all of her friends have them.

Uh, no. Hellno, in fact.

05-08-2011, 09:03 AM
^ oh no. Girls must be different to when I grew up. I remember having to get my first swimsuit with cups in it. I was devastated as I didn't want BOOBS! I just wanted the flat-chested one piece I'd always worn.

So glad I had a boy :)

05-09-2011, 01:18 PM

I long to have these days back again. Today's struggle will begin later, when I have a discussion with my 12-year-old daughter about why it's NOT okay for her to have a 16-year-old boyfriend.

My 8 year old rail thin 3rd grade daughter has decided that she "needs" a bra, and says, of course, all of her friends have them.

Uh, no. Hellno, in fact.

I don't know which post gets more of these [yikes].


Autumn's. Definitely Autumn's.

At least Em, it's still just between the two of you. Poor Autumn, you have a BOY in the mix. A 16 year old one, too. Poor, poor you. [post28]

05-12-2011, 09:05 PM
This should probably go into the Mother of the year thread, but i opted to not take a picture because I was already bordering mental torture :P Lucien is TERRIFIED of bugs. If ANYTHING flies by him, he freezes and stands still barely breathing for however long it takes me to convince him he's not going to die. well he just HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD to go outside today, so i got him some toys, threw them in the yard, locked him and the dog out there. After about 20 minutes it got quiet, so i peeked out and he's standing stiff as a board in the middle of the yard. He then starts the eeeeh there's bugs I have to come inside whine, i make him come closer to the window where i could hear him and then proceeded to ask him all sorts of questions of why he had to come inside and why he wasn't going to spend all summer in the house etc. Full on melt down happens. I'm trying really hard not to laugh at him (and I failed) because he's being just ridiculous about the whole thing. All I needed was a fly to land on him and his head probably would have exploded.

-is evil and it's going to be a VERY long summer-

He's currently passed out on our bed because he wasn't allowed to come in for games or a tv show, so he asked if he could nap. I said, have at it whiner.

05-12-2011, 09:09 PM
Poor guy had a tough day!

05-12-2011, 09:41 PM
He's been having more exhausting ones that's for sure with the nicer weather. They're going out at school now before he comes home, he's outside every day at the community centre, we usually stay another 30 minutes or so after his activities so he can play more at the park. I need to get his outdoor toys cleaned up and put in the yard so he had a good distraction out there because I am SO over the focusing on the bugs thing.

05-13-2011, 12:01 AM
Kaiya used to be TERRIFIED of butterflies. A bee could whiz past, no problem. The girl saw a butterfly, she was shrieking in terror and it was all asshole and elbows into the house to hide. Thank jeebus she finally got over that mess [then it was on to terror over bees].

05-13-2011, 04:00 AM
OMG, Xavier is TERRIFIED of bees right now. He will start sobbing if he so much as *thinks* one is around him. Dad tortured him on Mother's day when they were out playing in the sprinklers. A bee flew by so Xav ran up to the porch screaming "a bee abee!!!!" Dad thought he'd be funny and say "Xavier, it landed on your back!" The boy went into hysterics. Full on screaming and sobbing terrified thinking a bee was on him.

05-13-2011, 04:25 AM
We're working really hard to glamorize bees with the saving colonies and all that. My bestie in Michigan has her own bee hive and we've a day when we go and visit with her and talk about her bees. I mean everyone is stung at least once in their life right? We emphasize a lot of the 'you leave them alone, they'll leave you alone' ideals for all bugs etc. I joke with Lucien if he smells like flowers and he says no.. to which I answer, then why would a bee like you? it works for a little bit..

05-13-2011, 12:23 PM
*haha* I see that coming with Holden too.... everytime something wizzes by "A BEEEEEEE!" (everything is a bee).

On another overly dramatic note, Holden got his first big knee scrape yesterday (he's very cautious, that's why it took so long LOL). And it wasn't even that big. OMG you'd think we amputated his leg. "I can't waaaaaaalk *sobsob*" for 40 minutes, I kid you not. This morning, he's still walking funny. Good grief.

05-13-2011, 12:28 PM
^ my biggest fear about Lucien running races. Him bailing. He is such a drama queen and I just know a good knee scrape is going to be JUST AWESOME. He had one last summer playing baseball but I don't think he remembers it*L* I hope Holden's leg (and ego) heal fast.

09-11-2011, 07:03 PM
My son is 16 months old. So far he's met all his developmental milestones, but for the last few months he's been pacing back and forth along lines, like counters, edges, walls and dropping his eyes. I've looked it up, and this behavior is typical for autistic children, it's called stimming. He's otherwise engaging, humorous, plays with his toys correctly. I've done more reading about autism than in the last 4 weeks, than Ive studied anything in my entire life. Ive read EVERY entry from every mother who's experienced the same. I've reached the absolute end of the interenets reading about his "tic". The behavior is also typical for a sensory disorder (which falls on the spectrum I think) and PDD (which is basically mild autism).

He doesnt do any other "stimming", and he doesnt exhibit any other autistic traits. But im SO worried about regression, now is the time when things are supposed to go bad. This is the age. Im sick with worry and grief right now. I've amped up our development efforts, trying to teach him words, following instruction, getting into imagination play (which he is doing, and is a very important developmental milestone)

The other thing I keep trying to ignore is that he isnt pointing to direct our attention (or say mama or dada without bein coaxed), though he will show us things he loves and involves us in all his games. Recently we've got him to start pointing to things in books, to identify them. So his comprehension seems fine.

Everyone says go to a dr, and of course Im doing that. I have an appointment tomorrow. But even then, when the dr says he's fine, i cannot take his/her word for it.

On top of that I'm 4-5 months pregnant, and obviously i am NOT excited any more about it. I'm having INTENSE mood swings and suicidal ideation, and I saw an urgent care psychiatrist who basically shooed me out the door and said it was hormones and my kid is fine. I just dont know what to do. I feel so weak and Im embarrassed for grieving so much and wanting to abandon my life. I always knew something like this was a possibilty, I thought I had prepared myself for anything.

09-11-2011, 07:18 PM
Gosh, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time. I don't even know what to say. Is there a way to go see a different psychiatrist? And if your Dr doesn't listen to you about your son, I wouldn't give up. I'd ask for a second/third/fourth opinion. Hopefully it is just a tic that will pass and not autism, but if it is, you WILL find a way to deal with it. You have to. It won't be easy, and it will be sad at times, but you will get through it.

Congrats on your new pregnancy!

09-11-2011, 08:06 PM
I know how you feel.
Jack exhibited some of the same behaviors, and I was terrified he would be autistic. With 1 in 100 odds, it's hard not to be. Turned out he has a mild sensory disorder and speech delay. We had him tested twice just to be sure. Now that he is 4 he has almost grown out of it and his speech is almost caught up.
I'm hoping for the best for your little man and of course you.
There is a lot of help out there and I hope you find a good support group no matter the results. <3

09-11-2011, 08:12 PM
Thank you Stephanie <3 I came out of 'the sad valley' after I wrote that, but I know there may be more to come, thats what I need a psychologist for. I definitely have a few places lined up for second, third etc opinions. I'm hoping his pediatrician at least forwards us to a behavior specialist. But most of what I've read on the internet, is that with his minimal red flags they'll just take a 'wait and see' approach. From what I've read about autism (if it even is autism) its that the earlier its addressed, the better the child is with 'recovery'. So if no one will help me (and even if they do) i very much have to help myself and my son and be very aggressive with his development/treatment.

I'm sorry if I've offended any parents who are dealing with hardships of their own on this forum with my blubbering. I have a beautiful, bright child and of course I will be there to support him for his entire life. I'm just so hormonal right now and I'm losing sleep over this so the combination is making me volatile, I think. I also want to avoid exhibiting panic and anxiety when my baby girl comes, and for my son right now (psychologist/therapy may help with this). I want to give her everything I have without her sensing 12 months of mom fear ("could it happen to her too?")

Time will tell, and I am getting help. <3

eta: thanks too, Barbarella. <3 Your story gives me a wee bit of hope. Glad to hear your boy is doing better.

09-11-2011, 08:34 PM
Check your PMs! But hey since we're sharing - my son has been showing a vocal tic for about 6 months now. The onset of Tourette's isn't typically until 6 years old and he started it when he was still 3. For awhile it was so constant and frequent that he it kept him awake. I'd lie in bed listening to him tic on the baby monitor and just cry.

I'm a psychologist and work with a group of well respected psychologists. They all told me to ignore it. I'd tell another mother to ignore it. But I didn't. I joined www.latitudes.org and found a doctor in my area that looks at the impact of severe allergies on neurological conditions. It cost us $1500 out of pocket for the testing. As it turns out, he has a significant amount of antimony in his system and is severely allergic to cheese. I took him off milk and skipped the 4 year old vaccines until we could figure out what was going on. The tics are still there but they've decreased by about 90%!

We've retested for antimony and just got my other son tested for heavy metals. We're in contact with the EPA and are about to have our water tested.

Thats been my journey lately. Its not easy but you do what you have to do! If you can afford it, I'd do some of the allergy testing. Or just take him entirely off milk and dairy on your own. I bet you see some changes. I really hated to go all Jenny McCarthy on it all but damnit if it didn't make a difference. We'll vaccinate eventually - I'm not happy we skipped them - but we may pay extra to do them through a specialist and thus without the preservatives.

I've never been a believer in allergies having an impact on behavior. EVER. But that's life isn't it? Just when you think you know it all - you have to rethink everything! By the way - I've had one paper published in a scholarly journal. Guess what? It was a single case study of behavior treatment for Tourette's! ;l

09-11-2011, 10:06 PM
I'm certainly considering this allergy testing now. Will have to save up for it, but it sounds like its totally worth it. I've already modified his diet and we're hoping that helps. We already wanted Alhambra water because ours tasted so off, and now I think I'm gonna expedite that order.

I have also stopped vaccinating. I did a 2 & 4 month and will revisit the whole situation when I know more or find a specialist. My dr on the east coast gave me SO MUCH grief about it, and ranted about Jenny McCarthy (who i didnt even know about at the time) I simply didnt like the side effects listed on the pamphlet they gave me combined with the knowledge of federal "vaccine courts". There is so much heated opinion on both sides, I almost made a thread about it here, but thought better. ;)

I am SO glad to hear your son is experiencing improvements. 90% improvement is major!

09-12-2011, 12:42 AM
I think its worth it; but it has also given me more questions than answers too. Like the antimony - wtf?! The EPA didn't find any in our yard either but why the hell does he have toxic amounts of a heavy metal showing up in his blood?? I honestly think its the dairy that's causing the tics because they've decreased so dramatically. I just hope that I figure out a phase 2 of this whole thing where not only are the tics gone, but that the allergy will go away too and he can have milk and cheese. Thankfully he's pretty cool about it all but buying soy everything (soy butter, soy pudding, almond milk) is expensive and not nearly as tasty!

When you do find a doctor to do the testing, you may want to let him eat regular stuff again so as not to skew any results. When did you start to modify his diet? Do you see any changes? I didn't eradicate milk (he actually doesn't show an allergy to milk... only cheese) right away. But the doctor asked me to do it for a solid month and I'll be damned if they didn't start to go down notably by the third day.

And that confuses me too.... how can you be allergic to cheddar and cottage cheese (yes it gets that specific) but not milk? It hurts to think about sometimes.

09-12-2011, 01:30 AM
Did the allergy testing test for metals as well or was that a whole other series of tests?

I've been doing a gfcf diet for about a week now, supplementing with a multi vitamin and a triple fatty acid blend. (i read it helps a lot with visual 'stimming', autistic or not) I hear the dairy leaves the body quicker than the gluten, while the gluten can take up to 6 months to get completely out of the system. Most people, I've read, see results within a few weeks.

The day I took him to whole foods to drop buko bucks on gluten free/dairy free he was really having problems with his eyes. He wasnt even tracing lines like he normally did, he was just shaking his head back and forth and doing the eye to side/check out thing on is own. I havent seen it that bad since, but he is still doing the line tracing thing. I can pull him away from it without a tantrum, and I am timing the instances to let the Dr know how much a day he is doing it for. I think I am seeing a reduction in the behavior though, and am more than happy to keep this diet up.

09-12-2011, 02:11 AM
It was a full battery of testing - blood, urine and hair. The hair sample was the heavy metal tests. The blood looked at food allergies I think. Each one was a few hundred bucks; which is how it added up to being $1500. Also, the visit itself wasn't covered and it was $350 I think. So really the testing alone was close to $1100 I think. Thankfully we had a fully funded HSA and were able to use that.

Mine didn't show an allergy to gluten, but rather wheat. So its essentially the same thing as far as dietary restrictions go. Thats the toughest one for me. We don't eat wheat nearly as much, but I haven't cut it out entirely.

09-12-2011, 09:06 PM

Back from Drs appointment and as i predicted, he said nothing was wrong and my boy even did the eye thing in front of him and he said it was fine. Basically where he left it with me was that he was doing fine developmentally and he isnt worried about regression based on how he appeared in the office today. If I was freaked out by the "tic" i need to bring him back @ 18 mos so we can start full developmental testing.

I'm going to continue on the diet and aggressive at home speech therapy (yes im expecting a lot for a 15/16 month old) and just continue on the path I'm on. I feel *somewhat* relaxed after the visit but not enough to just let everything go.

10-04-2011, 03:06 AM
I seriously do not know what to do about Abby. She is the most stubborn willfull little girl I have ever met. She is a completely picky eater, half the time not eating any meals at all. She does not listen to me or her dad. She laughs when we scold her. Time outs mean nothing. She screams at us, hits, kicks. She routinely hits her brother.

I do not know what to do with her. She can be so completely loving and happy, but damn when she wants something it's like a whole completely other child.

Reminder...she is THREE. She'll be 4 in January.

10-04-2011, 04:01 AM
Fuuuuuuck Holden has been exactly like that for a while now. He'll be 4 in Nov. No real advice since I'm pulling out my hair over it. Sooooo frustrating. Great one minute, a monster the next.

10-05-2011, 03:58 AM
Jack is the same way. Maybe it's an age thing and will pass? He just turned 4 too. :/

10-05-2011, 10:34 AM
Oh no, so that must mean I've got at least 2 more years of Jacob's tantrums? He doesn't 'get' the timeout concept. He'll even repeat after me "no hitting" all the while smiling...and still hitting me.

10-05-2011, 06:41 PM
Well I guess it's good to know I'm not alone. LOL. She's currently upstairs for "naptime" in which I can hear her jumping on her bed and tossing things around. But upstairs she will stay, just like everyday. I don't care at this point whether she sleeps or not as long as she is up in her room for at least an hour and a half.

10-05-2011, 06:45 PM
I'll join right in. Tess is 3.5, willful, and beginning to be sneaky about things too. We've been putting up Halloween decorations, and she destroyed a hand-painted mask. I asked her about it, and she shrugged and said, "Well, one of us had to do it, and it wasn't me."

Her PK teacher has recommended Raising Your Spirited Child (http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Perceptive/dp/0060923288). This (http://www.ivillage.com/raising-your-spirited-child/6-a-128312?p=3) is the checklist of behaviors that qualify with examples. I haven't gotten around to borrowing the book yet, but I'm thinking I probably should.

11-17-2011, 06:48 PM
Just a quick update. I did the GFCF diet for a solid couple months. It was getting expensive and my son lost the eye tic completely so I introduced dairy back into his diet and small amounts of gluten here and there. And wouldnt you know it, he started back up with the tic at full force. I'm mad because I didn't want to be right, that the gluten free treatment was working, but IT DID. I am now 100% sure something is going on with a reaction to gluten that I was able to curb for 2 months. There is nothing else wrong with him at this time, he's right on track with his puzzles, words and physical abilities. Everything else is perfectly normal, but I could really see this tic getting out of control and taking up a lot of his time if I hadn't intervened. So we're going back on the diet, leaving in light dairy for now and not even letting a trace of gluten get through.

11-17-2011, 07:04 PM
So wait - he has a tic? Last time you posted you were worried he was falling on the spectrum. Tics are another thing altogether; though they too appear to be impacted by gluten/dairy. For my kid - its dairy.

We make most of our gluten free products now. We found a great book on cooking without gluten so we use one of the recipes from that to make waffles. That's really the main wheat based product. Maybe I should consider taking more away though as my son's vocal tics are still present. While there has been an enormous decrease, they just started back up with some intensity after Halloween. I'm going to a pediatric neurologist in a few months. Not sure why exactly, but maybe they'll have some suggestions beyond what I know and am already doing.

I have his teacher conference tomorrow morning. I'm sure he's ticcing in class, but his teacher hasn't mentioned it yet. He usually doesn't when he's extremely focused so maybe not. I'll find out tomorrow I suppose!

11-17-2011, 07:13 PM
So wait - he has a tic? Last time you posted you were worried he was falling on the spectrum. Tics are another thing altogether; though they too appear to be impacted by gluten/dairy. For my kid - its dairy.

Well it hasnt been diagnosed, but what he's doing has been described online as a visual "tic" at best, and stimulatory compulsive behavior at worst (which could lead to falling on the spectrum if it interrupted so much of his time that he couldnt learn or progress with milestones and his development started slowing down or stopped altogether) Sorry if I'm using the term tic improperly, I may be.

If youre trying gluten free, why not try going all the way? It took about 3 weeks for me to see great improvement and they say it takes 6 weeks for it to get out of the system completely, as opposed to dairy which takes about 2 weeks. I saw 100% improvement. It only took a half a brownie and a few bites here and there for him to start back up, but it isn't nearly as bad as it was when it was at it's worst and we would have almost 1-2hrs a day of combined time where he would compulsively follow lines with his eyes (and he was eating LOADS of gluten round the clock). Have you read the articles where they compare gluten to having an effect on some children like an opioid in the brain? Puts them in a brain fog?

From what I've read, most people have "tics" it's just some are less socially acceptable than others.

12-02-2011, 03:28 AM
I need some advice on getting my 3 year old to sleep at bedtime and not 2 hours later. The girl is seriously driving me crazy. She will be in and out of the restroom, asking for water, throwing blankets off her bed, jumping, playing, etc for up to 2 hours after we put her to bed. We've tried ignoring the behavior, taking things out of her room, and not letting her do things the next day if she doesn't go to sleep. If I go in and scold her, she will say "okay, okay," and then start up again before I'm even out the door! It's getting to where her being up is distracting Xavier and keeping him from sleeping too.

12-02-2011, 05:47 AM
No more naps and try to wear her out during the day!

03-31-2012, 10:57 PM
At what age did you start leaving your child home alone?

I ask, because this week while on Spring Break, I let Xavier stay home alone for half an hour in the morning on Tuesday and Thursday while I dropped Abby off at preschool. He stayed in his bedroom the entire time, and was fine. Just now, I had to run to the grocery store to pick up some things, but he didn't want to come. He asked if he could stay home, and play in his room while I took Abby to the store. I let him and run though I did through the store it still took me closer to 40 minutes to get back home. It seems like the extra 10 minutes spooked him because when I got home just now he was terrified and sobbing. I asked him if anything happened and he said no, but that he heard noises outside (our neighbors are having a bbq)and it scared him.

04-02-2012, 11:01 AM
I spent a lot of time at home alone at X's age - my mom had to work and couldn't afford daycare. We did live in a neighborhood with lots of kids and at-home adults, though. Still, there were enough times when I was scared or lonely that I wouldn't want my kids having that experience [I was home every day, mind you... for long periods of time]. Kaiya will occasionally ask if she can just stay home, but I haven't chanced it. We live in the middle of the woods in the middle of nowhere, and random people do come up here and turn around quite a bit! I would look up your state laws, too; I think here they have to be at least 12 before they can be left at home alone for any period of time. [eta - it's looks like your state (http://www.colorado.gov/cs/Satellite/CDHS-ChildYouthFam/CBON/1251617279471) has the same age guide, plus some other things.]

04-04-2012, 03:56 PM
Thanks for that link Em. Looks like we won't be doing this again for awhile.

04-04-2012, 05:48 PM
I'm not sure what age X is, but I know I was in grade 5 when I started being a latchkey kid, so that's 10-11 yrs. It was only for about an hour after school. I was fine with it, knew the rules, and had a neighbour that I could turn to if needed. I was a fiercely independent child though, often preferring to be alone (probably an only-child thing), so I was never bothered about being alone.

04-04-2012, 06:35 PM
^same here for me half the time; I still prefer to be a loner the majority of time. Being at home alone did teach me a lot of self reliance, being resourceful, and sticking up for myself. I won't say any of that was bad! I had extra circumstances, though, so there were parts that were pretty awful, but I did enjoy being trusted to take care of myself, too, and to not burn the house down. :)

04-04-2012, 10:40 PM
I've been trying to remember when I started staying home alone after school. I know it was sometime in elementary school, but we literally lived 5 houses from my school. And had the Chief of Police two houses away, two teachers next door and the mayor across the street. I wasn't going to be causing any trouble. LOL!

04-05-2012, 10:47 AM

05-08-2012, 06:43 PM
Abby broke my heart this morning. She's known all along about the divorce, and that we're moving to California soon. She's been excited about moving. But I think her little mind finally processed exactly what it means. This morning while I was brushing my teeth, she was playing with Chevy (the cat) when she ran to the bathroom crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said "I just told Chevy I miss her. Because I'm not going to see her anymore in California." I reminded her that we were taking the cats to California with us and she replied "But I'm not going to see Daddy anymore! I miss Daddy and you and brother!"

She was positively miserable. And crying and clinging to my the entire way to preschool. It made me feel horrible. But what can I do? It's all true, she is going to miss her Dad. He's not coming with us. I can tell her it'll be okay but it's still going to hurt and be so hard on her and Xavier.

05-09-2012, 12:17 PM
Poor thing. :( Just keep talking to her and let her know she will still get to visit daddy (assuming she will).

05-09-2012, 06:16 PM
I'm so sorry - that must have been really heartbreaking. I would promise her security and unconditional love from you AND her father (I don't know the circumstances but I'd lie about the latter if I had to).

05-09-2012, 06:56 PM
They are going to get to come back to visit their dad during summer vacations and alternating holiday vacations. I've been trying to focus on that with both of them. I'm trying to make the best of the situation, reminding them that by moving to California they will have more family (all of my family lives there as do his brother and sister) to spend time with and get to know better. I just know that until we do move and get adjusted it's going to be rough for all of us.

05-28-2012, 11:11 PM
Anybody dealing with ASD?

05-29-2012, 01:38 AM
Not officially but sometimes I wonder.

05-29-2012, 02:01 AM
We are in the process of a diagnosis right now. PDD-NOS (high functioning) is the preliminary diagnosis from the neurophysiologist .

05-29-2012, 02:03 AM
How old is he?

05-29-2012, 02:14 AM
She just turned 8. Honestly, I have known since we met her when she was 18 months old. Her doctor blew me off however and blamed her obsessive ways on adjustment. She wasn't really talking at 2 and the adding of English was blamed. I could go on and on. But finally at the end of her second grade year I felt like I had enough proof and brought in a checklist to her doctor (different from the first one, we live in a different state). I broke down in tears when she told me "a lesser woman would have been in here years ago". Its been a roller coaster of a month. I am relieved that she will receive educational support. But part of me was also hoping that I was just an overly worried mother. We can take this to PM if you like. If you are honestly concerned, I recommend that you read and research as much as possible. If you still worried, take what you find into your child's doc. If they agree, they'll point you in the right direction.

07-16-2012, 05:53 PM
The kids have been having a fairly rough transition of it all. I know our living situation hasn't helped in not having our own place yet, but it's been pretty rough on them. Xavier cries every night because he misses his dad so much. I've started letting him send his dad an email every night at bedtime, sometimes it's only a couple lines, sometimes much longer. But I think it helps him because he feels like he can still talk to his dad. I've also gotten a webcam and set up skype so he can start chatting with his dad too. It would be much more helpful if his dad actually responded though. He's been emailing for a week now and his dad has only replied twice and sent one video message. *sigh*

Abby is also reacting difficultly. She's been having lots of horrible tantrums; kicking, biting, hitting, screaming. Way out of the norm for her. A couple have been so bad that I've had to use techniques from when I used to work in a group home to hold her and keep her from hurting me or herself. They all end the same, with her crying that she misses Daddy and apologizing to me for hurting me. The big difference between the two kids though, is that when given the chance to talk to her dad, she won't take it. She refused to watch the video he sent, she doesn't want to talk to him on the phone. She's so angry, but at age 4, I just don't think she knows what to do with her anger.

I'm doing all I can to stay strong for them. It's all I can do sometimes not to cry right along with them. Hopefully things will start to calm down a bit once we are in our own place.

07-16-2012, 09:22 PM
Oh Honey, I feel for you. I would totally be crying with them. Sounds like you are doing everything right, jut keep it up and they will be fine. You will be too! <3

08-19-2012, 07:50 PM
My husband and I are both at the end of our ropes. Sean has had such an attitude and it's been going on for a while. Now we've added lying to the mix. Any time he gets caught doing something he shouldn't, he lies. It's infuriating! The lying/attitude stuff has gotten so bad that he's had all TV/computer/gaming privileges taken away until school starts. We've involved his Sensei. Nothing seems to get through to him. My husband and I are very good about being consistant and backing each other up so he's not getting mixed messages. I feel like I screwed up big time somewhere but don't know how. All that aside, though, he is a good kid who is very smart and has a huge sense of empathy. Anyone else going through or have gone through this?

08-19-2012, 08:53 PM
Sounds like a similar boat we're in with our youngest son. Anytime he gets called out for any reason, he immediately screams that it's all his sister's fault, will take zero responsibility, yelling at the top of his lungs, slamming things around, saying he wishes he could blow the house up and how he hates everyone. He constantly complains about *everything* and constantly bullies his older sister and has become so sarcastic and argumentative when he's confronted about any of it - he either takes everything too seriously or takes absolutely NOTHING seriously. He was diagnosed with ADHD a couple of years ago and is not able to take medication for it; we tried the whole gamut in varying degrees of strength, each with new and more horrifying side effects. He's now in a medical day treatment class at school for kids who can't really function in a regular class, though he "doesn't qualify" for an IEP. heh. I'm guessing he's got more going on than just the ADHD. It's so frustrating and exhausting... it's really rare that we can just have a day where we can enjoy each others company because we're always trying to stifle world war 3.

He's also one of the funniest people I know, cares deeply about his friends, and is very sensitive in general. He used to be a great cuddler. He got into kindergarten and everything changed.


08-19-2012, 10:35 PM
I am sorry, Em. We also deal with ADHD and its a total bitch. I feel like I live in the movie "Groundhog Day" or "50 First Dates". Even though we do the same things everyday, I have to explain it over and over again.

he either takes everything too seriously or takes absolutely NOTHING seriously.
This is exactly how my daughter is. She is also one of the most impulsive kids that her neurologist had every tested. I am so scared for her teenage years. My daughter consistently acts about 2 years younger than her bio age.

ADHD medication has been modestly successful for us. The impact that it has on her appetite is scary.

08-20-2012, 03:26 AM
He's also one of the funniest people I know, cares deeply about his friends, and is very sensitive in general. He used to be a great cuddler. He got into kindergarten and everything changed.


That is my son exactly. I blame interaction with other people's evil demon children. (Joking, but not really). Thank you all for your input. On one hand I know these things are common but on the other hand it is so isolating. You feel like you're the only one going through it and that it's because you're an awful parent. A while back we briefly thought about ADHD but he really doesn't seem to fit into any of the criteria. He just seems hell bent on avoiding any responsibility, whether that means for his actions or doing things like chores.

08-20-2012, 11:48 AM
I would say that my daughter's ADHD symptoms started about the age of 3, maybe earlier. She had so many developmental delays that is hard to say. Its extremely isolating to have a kid that doesn't fit into the mold of society. Its even worse to know that many folks still believe ADHD is caused by bad parenting. If only...

Kindergarten rebellion: my sister was talking about this over the summer. My niece had picked up all kinds of things in Kindergarten. Many astute children start to learn that their are other ways out there! Hang in there!

08-20-2012, 02:24 PM
Its been tough for us too. Things wax and wane in their intensity on a regular basis. I've been having a very hard time as a woman and as a mother. I enjoy reading all your stories though - its nice to hear others struggle too. I've started to hate FB since people always post only "rosy" pictures and not the true hardship of raising a person with their own specific mechanical underpinings.

08-20-2012, 03:38 PM
If it makes you feel any better, I posted on FB about a major tantrum my son had last week LOL

Kindergarten definitely brought a while new set of issues!

08-22-2012, 04:28 AM
Xavier broke his wrist at school today and it was while at the ER that I found out the kids no longer have any health insurance. *cries* Their dad was to have kept them on his policy at work, but he was laid off three weeks ago and apparently the company did not provide any grace period or extended coverage. Tomorrow morning I need to start the process to see if they qualify for MediCal or Healthy Families. Thank fuck I took him to the county hospital (because it's closest to us) where they don't turn anyone away for not having insurance!

08-22-2012, 09:31 AM
I am sorry!

08-22-2012, 12:04 PM
Oh god that sucks so bad!! Good luck getting covered.

08-22-2012, 02:34 PM
Cobra should cover you! Even though the original insurance ran out - you can retroactively buy Cobra insurance if you need to.

08-22-2012, 03:34 PM
Cobra is so expensive! She probably qualifies for state programs.

08-22-2012, 03:56 PM
Yeah, Cobra is way too expensive! Although, what would cost more? Cobra or the full price of the hospital/ER visit?

08-22-2012, 04:01 PM
Exactly. Yes Cobra is crazy expensive but how about the hospital/ER costs of a broken arm and subsequent visits?

08-22-2012, 04:08 PM
Well hopefully if she applies for the state programs, then that will pay retroactively.

08-22-2012, 05:30 PM
I didn't even think about Cobra yesterday, I was too stressed about shelling out a $200 DEPOSIT to the ER. I'm going to call their dad to see if he can set up Cobra while I apply for programs here. Hopefully between the two of us we can get this covered for him.

08-22-2012, 05:53 PM
Well hopefully if she applies for the state programs, then that will pay retroactively.

I don't know a whole lot about state programs, but I am pretty sure they don't retroactively cover ER visits. I could be completely wrong, though. If they do, that would be awesome!

In the meantime, while you're trying to figure this out, I'm sure the hospital won't give you much grief. You should have at least 30 days before anyone sends you a bill for it, and hopefully by that time you'll have everything all sorted out!

08-22-2012, 06:06 PM
I know medicaid is a federal thing managed by the states, so it could be very different across the country, but if CA's is similar to NC, they do retroactively cover medical bills - I think it's 3 months. When I was 19 and had to have my gall bladder out I was qualified for retro coverage. My kids have medicaid now and every time I have to re-do the paperwork they ask about medical bills for the previous 3 months, as well. So hopefully it is similar.

Poor L, you need a break, girl! [but not the kind X has, for goodness sake!] [post28]

08-22-2012, 06:13 PM
yeah I *think* Medical and Healthy Families will cover everything from the ER visit forward. At least that's how it was explained to me yesterday by the financial lady.

And Em, NO KIDDING! I just want one week without some catastrophe!

08-24-2012, 06:37 PM
One of my son's classmates killed himself on Tuesday. It never occurred to me to as a parent that I should have a talk with my son about suicide. We've had the sex talk, and we've had the drugs talk, but this... :'(

08-24-2012, 06:58 PM
One of my son's classmates killed himself on Tuesday. It never occurred to me to as a parent that I should have a talk with my son about suicide. We've had the sex talk, and we've had the drugs talk, but this... :'(

It's not something anyone ever prepares for, really. I had to have that talk with my daughter when her father committed suicide. How old is your son? My daughter was 7, and it was a pretty difficult thing for her to grasp. However, she understood mental illness better than I anticipated. Basically I said something along the lines of: Sometimes, people are born with a sickness inside their brains and it makes their brains not work correctly. Something happy happens, and their brain thinks it's something sad. And I just kind of elaborated and went on from there. It was suggested by a coworker/pastor that I use that approach. I was rightfully concerned about how she would view his decision to do that (it's something she still struggles with - she prefers to believe that he was murdered over the fact that he killed himself and left her and her brother behind). Anyway, maybe an explanation of mental illness would work for your son? Assuming he's older, you probably wouldn't have to dumb it down as much.

08-28-2012, 03:53 PM
My son is 13. He knows about mental illness because my sister is bipolar. We talked about bullying (apparently this classmate was being bullied), and I asked my son what he would do in a similiar situation. I explained to him that everyone has really bad days sometimes but that doesn't mean end it all. I told him to talk to somebody, whether it was me or someone else he trusted. But just don't keep those bad feelings inside. Of course, he thought I was ridiculous and being overprotective. I just worry about him being a teen and having to deal with all these new issues. I'm much rather have an open discussion than try to brush that which makes me uncomfortable under the rug.

Rum 509
09-24-2012, 08:40 AM

Laws Concerning Food and Drink; Household Principles; Lamentations of the Father (http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/1997/02/laws-concerning-food-and-drink-household-principles-lamentations-of-the-father/305013/)

For I know that much of this will ring true to you, esp. "Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass."

But lo, for I bear ill news. Tho you believe you are now walking in the Valley of Filth and Bad Manners, soon your child will enter the Teendom of Hell, and your present lamentations will turn to longing, yearning for when your offspring "used to be so cute!" For this new creature you will not recognize, nor will you recognize the rain of fire heaped upon you, as you are called "piece of man-dung!" and other Words We Do Not Say In This House. The child that could find no place on earth more desirable than in your arms will now do things for the reasons that she should not, especially if you say so, so the best thing you can do is just shut up.

Verily, for it has come to pass, a fortnight, or whatever ago, last July. I have never experienced this "teen girl" thing, if I had, I might have simply fled. ;)

Rum 509
10-12-2012, 08:38 AM
I would suppose that the reason no one has replied in the last couple of weeks, is that my words ring true.

I have two kids, that I have referred to in long past threads, as the Blasting Boy and the Curly Girl. These children are long, long, gone.

This year, they have both advanced to new schools, the "Boy formerly known as Blasting" has just started Middle School, 6th grade. There was a shift, 6th grade was Elementary School a couple of years ago, but for some reason I do not remember, it changed. The reason is probably money.

The girl started High School this year. Anyone have good memories of their first year in HS? Please post!

Things went predictably badly at first, they are both special ed students, they have EDS (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002439/)*, plus they are particularly shy.

The boy is doing better. Two weeks without missing school, well as of tomorrow. The first 4 weeks, they were sick, they had pains, they couldn't go to school, and just when you thought that they were lying or exaggerating, in about the third week, we took the boy to the doctor and he had an illness that was "going around" involving sniffling and vomiting. How can we tell him, when he claims that his leg joints hurt, that he is lying?

But the real news is how badly the girl is doing. All of the above as far as illnesses, but she has been feeding us a constant stream of lies as to how she's getting on in school, how well she is doing, what homework she is doing, well onandonandon. We don't know what is really happening. Except -

We got a letter from the "Truancy Dept." saying that she has not been going to class, and that she is in violation of the law. We know that she has not been going to class, what we don't know is if we should have been signing her excuses, or not, because there have been many times where we have refused to sign her excuses and she would refuse to go to school if we did not.

We have done everything we can for her, and we still are doing everything we can. She is whip smart, I'm sure she thinks she is smarter than any of us. ;)
She is bored, rebellious, naive and I don't know what else. We are looking into alternative schools.

Remember how your children are supposed to be your hope? Hang on to that thought. I've lost it.

*This listing did not exist when I first wrote about this. EDS is becoming more widely known and, to a lesser extent, understood.

10-12-2012, 11:49 AM
So last year, my daughter was diagnosed with PTSD due to something that happened to her when she was 5. She latched on to a severe case of separation anxiety and refused to go to school. There were several weeks in a row where we would physically have to carry her into the school building and take her immediately to the office to try to calm down. Many of those same mornings, I would leave her and get a phone call 20 or 30 minutes later to come get her because she would not calm down and they didn't know what to do. Then one afternoon I got a phone call from the principal; Kaiya was in danger of failing, and it was only a month into the school year, because apparently all of those weeks, no one had been counting her during attendance since she was not in her class. I had a nice sit down chat with the principal in which I told her that my daughter had NOT actually missed 16 days of school thus far, and about the phone calls I had been getting daily to come pick her up. We came up with a Behavior Intervention Plan that the school was to implement immediately [and that I was not to be called to come get her unless she was running a fever or throwing up or otherwise injured], and we also talked with Kaiya about what kind of reward system we could get in place at home in order to get her out of bed and motivated to at least get to school. For two weeks after this point, I did come sit with her during her recess half hour, and she also got to call me and check in over the phone at various points in the day. Part of her coping skills there at school was that she got to spend time with the class pet in order to calm down. After a month of missing no school, we brought home the guinea pigs she'd wanted as her reward. We have rarely had a problem getting her to school since that point, and it's been a year now [thank you jeebus]. I guess all that to say, you've got to talk to people! Sure, it can be embarrassing and stressful having people know your business, but part of their job is to be there to help with this kind of thing. If you already have a BIP in place and it's not working, call a meeting and re-do your plan!

10-12-2012, 02:02 PM
Rum 509 - your words scare me! Just watching the changes my 5 year old has made in starting Kindergarten sent me reeling for a few days! I now INSIST I get a hug everyday when he gets home. I can see I probably only have a handful of years left where he'll do that on his own. And my poor 3 year old - I'm baby that little blond nugget every chance I get. "What? You have a cold and think there's a monster in your room? Come lay down next to me and let's go back to sleep." That never woulda happened to my first - I was too scared that it would create a never ending habit. I don't see it that way anymore - I think it goes too quickly and I'm starting to allow myself to choose "love them first" instead of "enforce rules!!1111"

Not that I don't make the 3 year old clean up, have manners etc... but I do pause more intentionally and sit on the floor and let myself be enveloped in a full hug by each of them.

I had never heard of EDS before - thanks for that link.

I was a terrible teenager, by the way. I was very high achieving before all that but then we moved to South Florida and my parents divorced and I was all like "who's that cute Puerto Rican over there? Teach me to roll my r's pretty boy!!" I barely graduated high school. I went to trade school and became a beautician come my Junior year and started making decent money. I skipped school almost daily - went to the beach, broke into my sister's condo and went back to sleep... I just didn't go to school. Things came to ahead by the time I was 19 and checks were bouncing, I got a ticket I never paid and a warrant was out for my arrest, I was arrested for credit card fraud... things weren't looking too rosy. Finally - my father shipped me off to community college in Tallahassee Florida, put me up in a nice apartment with a good friend, and told me I had 2 semesters and that if I didn't maintain a "B" average - that I was cut off. The threat wasn't nearly as motivating as being on my own, in a college town, with people that valued scholarly pursuits. I now have a handful of advanced degrees and a pretty stable career.

All this to say - just stick with it. What has gotten me through life; despite probably some clinical issues; is persistence. I may be smart but I'm also lazy, but I couldn't imagine a life where I couldn't support myself. I never dropped a class and never missed an exam. Even if I failed - I saw it through to the end. But the catch is - so did my parents. They stuck with me, were hovering over my shoulders at every turn; much to my dismay. But they never gave up on me so I never gave up on myself.

If she's skipping - you gotta call her out. Talk to her teachers, talk to the school. Face these things head on. Not only are you helping her solve these problems, but you're showing her how to handle difficult issues. You just muddle through it however you can.

Rum 509
11-15-2012, 05:39 AM
Thanks guys - and sorry! I wrote this while I was away, and I remember seeing your answers and thought that I should answer you when I had more time and I could do it properly and... where did a month go. Really, I apologize and if I seemed ungrateful before, be sure that I am grateful now. :)

Things are now, different. We actually had a running start for both kids, we have taken advantage of IEP (http://www.cde.ca.gov/sp/se/sr/iepresources.asp)s and they both are getting help through Cali's 504 program (http://www.greatschools.org/special-education/legal-rights/868-section-504.gs). I couldn't tell you offhand how it all works, I have to review it every time.

So for the girl, we thought we were ready, we even were planning on meeting with a counselor before school started, to get the girl all organized and ready for HS, but the counselor had a family crisis and the meetings never took place. Things started going badly right away, and we did what we could, but the girl, "M" was soon so far behind that she wouldn't go to school at all. There were huge battles, first between M and her mom, and then I would be brought in for backup, but there was nothing I could do. One of the counselors told us we should call the police, we were seriously considering that for a while. Later her teachers all emailed us and offered to help in various ways, but it was too late. M never went back to HS, if she had, she almost certainly would have failed all of her classes. Instead, we've put her in a special school for special needs kids, annnnnnd - so far it's been more of the same. But, we have changed strategy, we wake her up and try to get her to go, but we don't fight about it. If she doesn't go, she has to contact the school herself and tell them what is going on. So at least the fights are over. She spends most of her time in her room, and she's been on different meds, trying to get her over her anxiety. We watch her all the time, there's limits on electronics, and lights out rules, and that's going better. She asked for a little extra time tonight so she could finish an article she was reading, on "reverse racism." Wow.

The boy is doing better, he brought up all of his Ds, and that would be fine but even with the allowances the teachers are giving him, he's just not doing the work. We know that, because we are in touch with all of his teachers and we see all the assignments and, just oh crap. No wonder I lose track of other things.

Thanks again you two, I was an "underachiever" in school, and just look at how I turned out! ;)

12-01-2012, 01:46 AM
The kid's come down with a nice case of the chicken pox. I feel so helpless because there's not much I can do for him other than benedryl and calamine lotion. He's in good spirits so that's good

12-01-2012, 12:22 PM
Ooo chicken pox, huh? I remember having that as a kid. I don't remember if I vaccinated my kids for it or not. How long will he be sick? Does he have a fever too?

One of mine has strep diagnosed yesterday and the other is recovering from pneumonia that was diagnosed on Tuesday. Crazy that they both have these infections illnesses right now that are TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

12-01-2012, 06:58 PM
Lucien was never vaccinated for it. It's an optional one here and i don't want to be all it's just the chicken pox... but yeah, chicken pox. he'll be fine. The worst is he normally has pretty itchy eyes to begin with so telling him not to rub his eyes has been torture. Overall though he's still not itchy but some of the spots in erm, more delicate areas hurt him (and understandably so). he's got some in his throat now which drives him a bit mad as his throat feels dry, he doesn't feel like eating and he's gagged a couple of times. he's been lounging in my old navy cotton teeshirts as they have bigger necks and are softer than anything he's got. the dr said he'll probably be more spotty till at least tuesday and then crust over. he'll be out of school until the 10th at the earliest.

there were 13 cases reported yesterday when we called him in to the school. we found out our neighbour's girl has been home all week with them really bad (she was vaccinated) - no one has heard boo from the school saying there is an outbreak and to keep an eye on your kid for bumps/spots etc which we're pretty pissed about. the doctor yesterday was really taken aback by the count of cases at that school alone as it's not just in one grade or class - it covers from jk up to 6th.

we were supposed to do our santa shuffle this morning together so one of my friends joined me on the walk so that Lucien could get his medal. it's pretty much his "you're being so brave and tough" medal now because let me tell ya, he could be a lot worse than he is right now. he's whiney and has minor freakouts when he feels overwhelmed but overall he's just accepting it and dealing with a lot more patience than i've ever seen in a sick person.

12-09-2012, 01:36 AM
Tonight Xavier told me "You're not fun like Dad was. Ever since we got back from vacation you've been mean."

Now I admit, we've all had a rough transition with them getting back. I think I've been reacting to them more than being proactively helping them adjust to being back home. But damn it's so hard when they've spent the week with their dad and his infinite supply of money and no responsibilities, getting loads of presents every time they stepped out of the house and expect it to continue when they are back home. To them fun equals spending money. I spent the better parts of the last few months getting them used to the fact that we don't have money to spend all the time and they are NOT getting toys and junk every time we go to a store.

Xavier's attitude has been a nightmare, he's so argumentative and resisting any type of structure from me. He doesn't listen, he antagonizes his sister, he's blatantly lying to me. I can tell him something 10 times and he still argues. Abby is picking up on his attitude and has started up with her tantrums again.

I'm so tired of it all. I want my kids back and want them to listen to me. I want to get us all into therapy, but my insurance doesn't kick in until January. At this point, with the behavior they are exhibiting, I am just so ready to cancel Christmas and call it a day. Even though I know the cause of all their behavior is the divorce, I just can't let them get away with it and reward them for it. I'm just at a loss.

Rum 509
12-09-2012, 07:43 AM
Becka - I'm glad Lucien is being such a trooper, I remember being miserable with the C-Pox, and I still have a barely visible scar in the middle of my forehead from it. More worrisome, is that I'm in line for shingles, but I just have to remember to take care of that when the time comes

FD - Yes, yes and YES. It's awful, isn't it. My marriage is still intact, and I'm sure you're getting this crap early, but I'm getting it now and what you're saying sounds sooo familiar. A couple of days ago, I overheard just enough of a fight between the girl and her mom to get "I know and I feel sorry for you because you're MARRIED to him!" And, I just paused and tried to think what might have brought this on, and there was nothing really, we've pretty much stepped out of the battlefield for the time being, and left the war to the professionals, but then there was this little incident where she came in to my office and asked to borrow a vacuum because there were ants in her room, and I said "I'm not surprised" because we have had this talk before and her room is 2 inches deep in trash and probably bits of food smashed into the floor. I'm SUCH AN ASSHOLE. And that was, in fact, what she was so enraged about, "I'm not surprised." She is hypersensitive about her room, she just won't do anything about it.

It's a power play, they've found out that they have this power over you, and they are trying out different tactics to find what works. With the girl, the first thing was the language, "YOU WHORE!! YOU ASSHOLE!! FUCKER!!" Ok so I worked with the public for years and I'm not fazed by it, and though I was a bit taken aback when she did this, I didn't respond and, ~ the language went away, because I didn't allow it to work.

This is a test of your values, our values, but I couldn't possibly advise you on what to do because we're different people. Your kids are going to fight each other, that's what they do but in the end I'll bet we find that they actually love each other in some way that will surprise us. I'm guessing that will be years from now though, so :P

If Christmas is important to you, celebrate it the best way you can, but you can't expect the kids to behave the way you want. They may not be grateful, they will probably whine about one thing or another, and worse, they may very well find some way to blame you. Plan for that, have something to say if it goes wrong, or, just do Christmas in some way you can handle, you don't have to live up to your children's expectations, or your X's expectations, or even your parent's expectations, as of this year, you only have to live up to your own.

If I could do Christmas MY way, I'd settle in to a strong eggnog, watch movies and nap all day. But I've had to compromise. Don't we all.

12-09-2012, 08:10 PM
Thankfully, we haven't reached that language yet. I'm getting a lot of "you stupid head!" and "I hate you, you're a horrible mother!" and "I wish I were in a different family!" from both of them. And then 20 minutes later they are hugging me saying how much they love me and miss their dad. So I know it's so hard and confusing for them to deal with. We had made such progress during the first few months out here, and then it seems like they just completely regressed back into the first separation phase when they got back from their visit at Thanksgiving.

12-09-2012, 10:43 PM
It sucks, but I think that the regression is normal after a visit. I wish had some advice for you.

Rum 509
12-10-2012, 04:48 PM
I'm actually nostalgic for getting called a stupid head. But it's one thing to get called names at bath time or over eating one's vegetables, and other, more personal attacks. I hope things ease up soon.

FD - have you heard of the Vasona Park Fantasy of Lights? I've never been, but my kids have. You can kind of see it from Hwy. 17 going south as you approach Los Gatos. It costs $15 a car to drive through, check it out - http://www.sccgov.org/sites/parks/Pages/14th-Annual-Fantasy-of-Lights.aspx

12-12-2012, 05:37 AM
Oops, I thought I responded to this! I do know the Vasona Park lights! We went the year before we moved to Colorado when X was 1. I remember it was so beautiful! I'd forgotten about it though and had been thinking of taking the kids to do the Roaring Camp Holiday Train. Vasona seems much better on the wallet though! LOL

The last couple of days have been a little better, in a sense. Xavier and I have been having lots of talks, with me just putting it out there that he is not allowed to use any sort of negative language with me or his sister. He's saying he wants to run away and I've let him know this is not an option. I've just been trying to be firm but gentle with him, trying not to let him push my buttons while at the same time not allowing him to get away with anything.

Rum 509
12-16-2012, 07:52 PM
Never underestimate the power of flashing, colored lights! ;) Cruising a decorated neighborhood is enough to inspire even me, if only for a little while. ;)

Rum 509
12-16-2012, 08:40 PM
Both our kids have now dropped out of the public school system and are in schools that can give them more individual attention. The boy seems happy.

The girl went through the same pattern she went through when she started HS. She liked the school, I think she still likes it, but as in HS, she quickly fell so far behind that she almost completely stopped going. We had a meeting with teachers and counselors last Thursday, and came up with a set of action that we are now referring to as, The Plan. The goal is to get her to go to school, that means just go, it may be too late for her to pass anything, but she has to go. She has retreated into a world of - social networking and her blog. We're trying to pull her out of that and bring her back to the world of real humans, but we knew it was going to be tough, she finds it so rewarding... don't we all. This girl doesn't even call her friends on the phone, texting is as close as she gets. We were anticipating a fight, worse than the other skirmishes we've had before.

When the time came, first we talked to her, or rather at her, as she seemed to ignore us behind her tablet, she must have heard us though. Hours later, the time came to shut things down, and as we pretty much expected, we were met with screamed threats and resistence. So, as we had discussed in the meeting, my wife and I went through the whole house, collecting cutlery, silverware, scissors, anything she could use to hurt someone, drugs, cleaning supplies, and put it all in bags and locked them up in the car. I even took the handles off the bathroom doors so she could not lock herself away from us. And then we confronted her, and confiscated the tablet and banned her from all electronics.

For the last couple of days things have been again, going as expected. She will start out being friendly and sweet, and then nasty and screaming when we won't change course. We've gone through all the expected threats, but these seemed to calm down when my wife reached for the phone, saying she was going to call 911. And now today, my daughter has gone to school for the Sunday homework session, which as of yesterday she said she would never do. So for today, I guess we won, but we also plan on more of the same.

12-18-2012, 02:13 AM
Wow. You guys are amazing. This must be so hard. Hang in there and let us know how she's doing.

Rum 509
12-21-2012, 10:56 PM
Thanks Barb, so far so good. The girl went to school for 5 days straight, including last Sunday for homework, and then she got a day off today. She went to all of her appointments, and her behaviour has been good, no tantrums, no acting out. Even her teachers noticed, as we are in touch with all of them too. Chalk one up for strict discipline, but man, it's a lotta of work, I feel like a sentry. We're starting to bring stuff back in the house, and we were talking about putting the lock sets back on the bathrooms when - she disappeared in the bathroom with her tablet after we told her to turn it off, and when I told her she needed to come out, she claimed to be sick. All of a sudden. She recovered just as suddenly when she realized she couldn't lock the door. So hah.

We're way late getting Christmas going, but we'll give it a shot this weekend. I hope Faery Dreamer gives it a shot too, it's a big deal for little kids. Cheers! :)

12-22-2012, 05:48 AM
Sounds like you are making some progress! I remember having to a lot of similar things when I worked in a group home for SED kids. Structure and discipline, no leniency in the rules at all. I need to make some notes for myself now I think!

Xavier has actually been doing a lot better this week. He still has an attitude and continues to fight with his sister, but he is actually listening to me too. We had a couple of really good nights, where we all just got along and had a good time. And at bedtimes he agreed that these nights were so much better than when I have to scold and yell at him all night.

Abby is still struggling though, lots of tantrums and she's started to antagonize Xavier instead of the other way around. She's hitting and kicking a lot and has tried biting which is SO not going to fly in this house! It's a daily struggle with her trying to find new ways to redirect her behavior. Our space is so small that her "time outs" have to be in her bedroom, but she will literally kick and punch at the door the entire time and I almost have to stand there holding the door closed to keep her in her room. It's rough.

I did not cancel Christmas. They are spending the weekend with their aunt (ex's sister) in Fresno which will give me time to do a little shopping for them. We got the tree and decorated the house which I think definitely helped their moods. Due to my dwindling finances, it won't be an elaborate affair, Santa will not be bringing the xbox or turtle Xavier asked for (which he hasn't earned anyway), but they will be getting some special surprises all the same.

12-25-2012, 06:11 AM
You now what's hard? Having it be Christmas Eve and your kids don't get a phone call from their dad. And then asking them if they want to call him and getting "we'll call him tomorrow." for an answer.

I can't believe he didn't fucking call them on Christmas Eve! It's no fucking wonder they didn't want to call him!

Rum 509
01-16-2013, 06:43 AM
Things have been better. The girl seems to be passing some of her classes at the new school, and maybe even doing well in one of them. I had given up the first semester as a loss. She's started a new semester and she's been going every day, and has made a contract with the principal there to do what is expected of her. At home, she's mostly pretty sweet, but she does have a nasty temper at times. I'm sure we would still be at a stalemate with her, if we hadn't called in professionals to coach us and confront her. Once she realized that her threats wouldn't get her what she wanted, but instead a stay in the hospital, she came around.

The boy is doing well too, but his school is sort of a home school co-op, something my sister-in-law and some others put together. They've hired a teacher and there are a few facilities, but I'm told that if they don't get a few more students, they won't make it. It's four days a week and there's no homework, so the guy likes that. I'm kinda worried that he's actually getting an education there, but I guess we'll find out more soon enough.

Thanks guys. :)

02-07-2013, 05:13 AM
The kids have been doing wonderfully lately. They are both thriving in school, Xavier is actually 4th in his class for reading and 3rd in math! They still have bouts with attitude and tantrums, but we are working through it.

I, however, am dreading having to tell them they aren't going to get to go to Colorado for Spring Break like they were supposed to. Because jackass has decided to not pay his child support. I can in no way afford plane tickets, and even if I could I am not going to send them out there to be with someone who is not willing to support them. He is essentially abandoning them and I do not know what to do about it. He hasn't called them since Abby's birthday on the 28th, and *I* had to pretty much force him to call because he was "bowling and don't have time to call right now." I mean what? You're daughter is turning five and you can't spare 10 minutes to talk to her on her fucking birthday?

I don't know what the fuck to do right now. This is going to devastate them.

02-07-2013, 02:13 PM
I am so so sorry. I have no advice for you - I'd be steaming angry too. Stay strong mom and take pride in the fact that they're really thriving with you. That's really something to be proud of :)

05-18-2013, 04:21 AM
So, they missed Spring Break with their dad, and are now on the verge of missing summer as well. He's still not paying his full child support. As a result I can not afford to fly them out in any way, shape or form. I am going to be contacting him and letting him know that if he wants to see them, he either needs to figure out their transportation on his own or he needs to come to CA to see them. His parents and Aunt are coming out in a few weeks to visit his sister and brother. I am more than willing to have them go see the family at that time, but I will not be paying to send them out to Colorado.

*sigh* Single parenting sucks so fucking much.

08-08-2013, 12:00 PM
Why, oh why, does it take my 9 year old 45 minutes to poop?!

08-08-2013, 03:09 PM
It used to take me that long when I was younger. What is their diet like? Maybe they need a stool softener?

08-09-2013, 01:16 PM
It's probably not great to cry in front of your young children, right? I hate to say these words, but my mother is unlikely to survive her latest bout with cancer and it's obviously upsetting me. Tonight I had just put Jacob (nearly 4 years old) to bed and was lying on the floor when it occurred to me she won't get to see him grow up, and I started bawling!

A tear here and there, he doesn't notice, but I don't want to bawl in front of him. I don't think I'm ready to explain life and death to him. I've said no more than 'grandma is very, very sick'. If I say the 'die' word, I'm worried he'll blurt it out in the hospital (mum doesn't know the severity of her illness).

He was so sweet though. He got out of bed and said 'mummy, don't cry'. Then he put his hand on my forehead and said calmly 'calm down, mummy'. Anyone else have to explain this sort of thing to their young kids? Do they understand?

08-09-2013, 03:04 PM
I'm very sorry about your mother. :(

My daughter's father died when she was eight. Kids are more accepting of it than we are, I think. They don't really grasp the finality of death, and it's a different process for them. My daughter wanted to go to school the morning we found out her dad died. It was weird to me, but it's how she coped with it. Her process for handling it was much different. She didn't cry at the funeral. She observed the rituals, and didn't understand why everyone was so sad. She didn't "get" it, but she knew he was gone. The grief and anger came later, when she realized what she was missing.

I also found it helpful to be honest. None of that "he went to sleep" or "God called him to heaven" bull, because I think that leaves it too open to interpretation for kids, ie. making them fearful of falling asleep or being called to heaven or whatever. I think it's best to honest as possible without inserting fear. "Grandma is old and very sick, and she isn't going to be with us anymore," or something to that effect (being careful not to make them fearful about getting sick - I remember my daughter thinking she was going to die because she got a UTI, and was "sick" like dad - sometimes it's good to share details to let them know that what happened to their loved one is not going to happen to them).

All my opinion, of course. Other people may have other suggestions.

08-09-2013, 03:17 PM
^ I agree totally. I think you should be honest; as hard as it may to express and share with your child, but keep it simple. Its okay to cry in front of your kids - you're only human - but I would keep the big expressions of grief as limited as possible. There are tons of books on amazon about a child losing their grandmother - that may help open up a dialogue if you don't know what to say.

And I'm really sorry about your mother. Be strong.

08-10-2013, 12:02 PM
Oh, Autumn. That's so hard for your daughter to lose a parent at such a young age. I'm so sorry. I do agree with both of you that I need to be honest, and point taken on the not scaring him if he gets sick himself.

My mother is becoming quite unresponsive lately, so I think I might need to stop taking Jacob in for hospital visits. She has fluid on her brain with cancer cells. They only gave this course of chemo a 50/50 chance of working and sadly after nearly 2 weeks, it doesn't appear to be improving things.

05-14-2014, 08:12 PM
Nate is failing, like for real failing 7th grade. I've done EVERYTHING but go to school and do the work for him. Parent/teacher conferences, meetings with his counselor, his deans and his assistant principles.
He just REFUSES to do the work. I am so fucking upset. I NEVER in a million years thought he would be acting this way. I have to let him hit this bottom, and that is so frustrating and hard. :(

Rum 509
05-14-2014, 08:23 PM
So sorry to hear this, it is very difficult to go through, but you are absolutely on the right track when you say that you have to let him hit bottom. This is where, hopefully, he learns about work, personal responsibility, a lot of important things. I know you've done everything you can, now you have to let go a bit. It's sad to watch, because you know it's going to be harder for him too in the long run. But apparently, this is just something he has to go through. Hang in there.

05-14-2014, 08:27 PM
Thank you. I know you are right, but I still feel so awful. Like I failed at something somewhere a long the parent line. :(

ETA: I'm putting him in Kumon (tutoring) for the summer. Which of course he is pissed about. Why doesn't he understand that if he just did his work, I wouldn't be up his ass and he would have more freedom? It's not like I haven't explained that to him a thousand times. GAH!

Rum 509
05-14-2014, 09:21 PM
It sounds like you two are having a battle, any chance to wave a white flag and have talks? You may find something that works, but as kids get older, the harder you push them to do something they don't want to do (no matter how bad their reasons), the harder they push back.

Esp. teenage girls. MFG.

ETA: To get him to do his homework, I bribed my youngest with a new X-box this year, so far it seems to be working. The day of reckoning is coming up though… This is not something I'd recommend, but really, we've tried everything we can think of. He starts a new school next year, we don't even know where yet. Last time he started a new school, it was a heartbreaking disaster.

So hang in there.

05-15-2014, 06:00 PM
All I can do is echo Rum. You are doing the work as a parent. Eventually there is that level where it is up to the individual child. I'm going through a similar thing with Sean in terms of him just flat out refusing to do things. I fear that he is in a for a hard, disappointing life if he doesn't realize sometimes we have to do things we don't want to.

So keep being the bad guy (aka good responsible parent). I know it's hard to see a good kid do these things (or refuse to as the case may be). Just know that you are a good mom. If you weren't it wouldn't be this hard.

Rum 509
05-16-2014, 06:42 AM
Have you ever considered an education specialist? My kid, the one I'm currently bribing has been in a special school for two years, but that school is over. We recently made a preliminary visit to this group: http://www.dls-learning.com and we're hopeful. We've been to specialists before, no one has been able to put a finger on what's wrong, he's a smart kid, he just gets overwhelmed. Sorry I didn't think to mention this before.

03-17-2015, 03:31 PM