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other pete
07-08-2010, 12:11 PM
A thread somewhere inbetween the more resolute discussions that might be found hereabouts.

Are you thinking about creating/adopting/fostering? Been scared off? Been scared ON? Are your ovaries/balls/bank-balance ticking? If you recently made up your mind one way or the other, what was the clincher? Have you already got some and want more? Or got more and want less?

Not intended as a "TELL ME WHETHER TO PROCREATE Y/N" just a place to air the issues.

For example. I love being an uncle but my nephew and nieces are off finding their way in the world now and I really miss having kids around (around 2 nights a week - and I am aware that parenthood is apparently not like that OMG). I'm a thrupple of years from 40 and I know I'm not making a future decision any easier by putting it off. So I'm starting a thread!

What do all of you think (about yourselves)?

Cunter Fartlett
07-08-2010, 02:40 PM
I adopted! I know entropy adopted as well. There may be more around here.

So many kids need good loving parents. I've thought about adopting another. My son is by far the coolest kid on the planet, so I'm afraid I'll get a clunker if I try for another one ;)

It has completely changed my life. Some things I miss (like all my gay/single friends are still going out every weekend, taking vacations all the time). But, I'm in my 30's now and I'm glad I adopted when I did. I'm still young and active.

Only you know when you're ready. No one can tell you otherwise (unless some chick says "OMG I'm pregnant", then you're pretty much in it). Kids are awesome, though.

I never thought I'd be the kind of person to have a kid. I figured I was born gay for a reason. To not procreate. Four years ago, I wouldn't have done any more than nod and smile at someone's kid. Hold your baby? Hell no. Talk to a toddler? What for? What the hell would we talk about? I wouldn't have known what to say to a kid. Awkward. Babysit your heathen? Blow me.

I'm the total opposite now. LET ME HOLD THAT BABY! NOM NOM NOM! Yes! I'll have a 10 minute conversation with breeders about poop and spit up and long,long sleepless nights. I'll sit and talk to a toddler about ANYTHING FOREVER. Nothing puts a smile on my face like having a great conversation with a little kid. They're amazing (well, most are. There are still plenty of shit heads out there..and they'll grow up to be shit heads. There's just no way around it).

JayPeaches
07-08-2010, 03:18 PM
I've been on the fence so long that my ass hurts from straddling it. Growing up I always assumed I would have kids, but after I got married I realized how much I enjoyed married life and now I don't think I want them. But there's this part of me that thinks I'll regret it if I don't. Plus T wants them so bad that he asked me over the weekend, "Do you think we could start trying in the next few months?" The thought makes my throat close up in terror.

It's a little scary because when we got married, I was all, "Yes, of course I want kids...eventually!" It would likely be a deal-breaker if I definitively say, "I don't want kids. Ever." But the whole reason I don't want kids is because I love the way we are right now. I love that it's just me and him.

I'm also terrified of being pregnant and giving birth. And terrified of being "MOM" and nothing else. And terrified of how difficult romance and sex will be once kids are around. Marriage is enough work with just two people, what happens when it's three, four, or more?

But I do like kids...the non-bratty kind. In small doses.

*cries forever*

Stephanie
07-08-2010, 03:54 PM
JayPea, just have one then, life is pretty sweet with just one kid. The first year is tough, but after that it gets to be smooth sailing, and with one you still have lots of freedom that many people (although not all) say goes away when you have 2+ kids. We have a 2.5 yr old son, and he's all kinds of awesome. You do lose yourself a bit for that first year, it's really hard not to when they need you so much. But we've gone back to regaining our own identities since he was about 20 months or so.

JayPeaches
07-08-2010, 04:01 PM
JayPea, just have one then, life is pretty sweet with just one kid.
To be honest, I never even considered that. I have a brother who's ten years older, so I grew up as an only child (he moved out when I was 8). I always assumed that when I had kids, I'd have at least two or three. It never even occurred to me to have one, so maybe that's my stumbling block (the terror of having multiple kids running around).

Autumn
07-08-2010, 04:39 PM
I think one is enough. For me, anyway. I don't really like kids, so the thought of having two or more running around is very frightening.

I enjoy being a parent most of the time. I think people who sit on the fence are afraid of the losses they will experience or that sometimes it will be so horrible they won't be able to bear it. It's simply not as scary as some people envision it. You can still be yourself, still have a life (especially if you only have one - maybe not so much if you have two or three or four, especially if they are close in age). The horrible parts can be pretty damn horrible, but so can life, with or without kids.

I don't want to raise any more children. I do, however, want to steal my daughter's half-brother away from the crazy people that currently raise him. I have an intense desire to show him how normal people act, because he has been raised in a nuthouse. Every time he's around, he acts so amazed that we don't scream and yell or humiliate him for normal behavior and that he gets treated like a human rather than an animal or an object. You can tell he is screaming on the inside for the people around him to not be crazy, and I wish I could help him more.

entropy
07-08-2010, 05:02 PM
I was on the fence for a long time about parenting. I liked being around kids, but I also liked when they went home. ha! We adopted because (well to get quite personal) my ovaries are fuckers. I couldn't even fathom the fertility pill route since I had always thought about adoption. So there you have it. Lots of waiting and paperwork later, we are in Colombia meeting our 18 month old daughter. She's a beauty. The adjustment for both of us was hard. Adopting a toddler takes a lot of work on little sleep. I read the books, but I was still quite naive about what the adjustment period required.

When its good its really good and when its bad its really bad. And you are always a parent, there are no days off. But that little squirt can melt my heart. For example, on the back of (almost) all of her school work last year, she would write "I love Mami".

Amie
07-08-2010, 05:30 PM
I think one is enough. For me, anyway. I don't really like kids, so the thought of having two or more running around is very frightening.

I pretty much agree. After having my son I got three years' worth of birth control put in my arm. By the time it's ready to come out, I'll be much closer to 40 than 30, and neither do I want to do it all over again, nor do I want to worry about the risks involved at an "older" age.

Becka
07-08-2010, 07:57 PM
Everything that Steph said. I was always sure that if I had a baby, I was only having one of them. For a while I waffled on having another because Lucien really is a good egg, even on his bad days, but there is no guarentee that I'd get another one like him. I'm not that lucky, I count my blessings every day that we have the one we have.

One is nice. I like our dynamic of three because we can do so much more. We are able to devote ourselves to ensuring this one little creature is the best he can be. We're not spread thin on energy and patience. We can both work from home, have our own hobbies, do our own thing even with the little guy around. Vacations are easy and we can afford to do bigger things for them (cruises, all inclusive resorts, several week long road trips). Sure we get a lot of the peanut gallery's "oh he'll be spoiled", "what if he's lonely", "who will he depend on in the future if you and Kev get sick/die" and most recently in light of my coming up tubal surgery "what if your son dies? what will you do then? you won't be able to have another baby". SO not good reasons to have another one folks..

It was very hard the first year, but I set out to make sure that I didn't lose myself in the process of becoming someone's mom. In the past near 4 years, I've been able to get on my feet and really push forward into my own business and hobbies because I knew that I didn't want to be "just someone's mom", I had been drifting so badly for a few years because of immigration etc that the possibility of just falling into the "my kid is my life" routine probably would have been very easy.

Kari
07-08-2010, 08:00 PM
My husband and I were both convinced that we didn't want kids up until the past few years. Now we're only 90% sure we don't, which is pretty fucking scary all things considered.

ETA: I also have a day job, and a theater career that is *just* starting to show the signs of taking off a bit. I'm petrified that having a child would destroy any chance I had to be a working artist.

clarion
07-08-2010, 08:02 PM
I've always been terrified of having to deal with children, but in the past year or so, I've often thought, "You know, maybe it wouldn't be so bad." But I still don't think I could commit to it.

Maybe in a decade or so I'll have an exchange student.

Frangipani
07-08-2010, 08:19 PM
I waited 10 years with my partner, getting stable and situated and then we had a baby. I never played with dolls or other kids and had zero 'cuteness/squee' incentive to do it.

He's 1 1/2 months old now and it's definitely not as hard (FOR ME) as everyone makes it out to be (give it time, i know). Maybe I just lucked out. I only get up a couple times a night, there's no incessant crying (yet) and there are definitely those moments that are just magical. I'm not very sentimental in the first place and this baby does things to my spirit and heart I didnt even know were possible. At this point, I definitely want another one, but we'll see how I feel in a year.

I hear when they start talking is when you start going a little nuts (if you werent already there with the sleep deprivation and what not)

I didn't post much on the forumz about the pregnancy or the baby because a lot of people I like here are adamantly child free and as far as I know there are only a few parents here.

Stumpy
07-08-2010, 08:38 PM
I didn't post much on the forumz about the pregnancy or the baby because a lot of people I like here are adamantly child free and as far as I know there are only a few parents here.

Yeah, I noticed about a month ago you posted about having a babs in PP and I was like "what the FUCK? I had no idea!". I liked that it wasn't something you posted about all over the place.

JayPeaches
07-08-2010, 09:01 PM
I didn't post much on the forumz about the pregnancy or the baby because a lot of people I like here are adamantly child free and as far as I know there are only a few parents here.
WTF? Surely a CF person can hear about someone being pregnant/having a baby and not go off the deep end?!

Anyway, I can't believe you had a baby! Congrats. :) And lucky you, sounds like it's been smooth sailing. My close friends who have had children have apparently not been so lucky. :(

Abi
07-08-2010, 09:01 PM
I didn't think I wanted children. Having PCOS means that my consultant told me the longer I wait, the harder it'll be...yaddah, yaddah and if I left it past my late 20's I probably wouldn't conceive naturally and I was ok with that. I love my career and I'm with someone who can give or take kids. Then, I got pregnant and "ohmygosh"! I wanted that baby SO badly. I lost the baby just after to 13 weeks. Now, I feel I'm back to "I don't think I want kids". It's odd. Now I don't have it, I don't want it. Yet when I had it, I wanted it. Rollercoaster.

Autumn
07-08-2010, 09:16 PM
WTF? Surely a CF person can hear about someone being pregnant/having a baby and not go off the deep end?!


I've noticed that some people tend to put all parents into the same box, regardless of who they are. Like the notion that all parents ever talk about are puke, poop and snot.

Congrats, NS!

Maeby
07-08-2010, 09:54 PM
I hear when they start talking is when you start going a little nuts (if you werent already there with the sleep deprivation and what not)



By the time the kid starts talking, you'll be getting a full night's sleep. So, you don't have to worry about that one. The talking is cute until they get a mind of their own and decide to take you on. That's when the arguing starts and things can go to hell in a hand basket.

Cunter Fartlett
07-08-2010, 10:19 PM
I've always been terrified of having to deal with children, but in the past year or so, I've often thought, "You know, maybe it wouldn't be so bad." But I still don't think I could commit to it.

Maybe in a decade or so I'll have an exchange student.


We started with exchange students! And as a volunteer with the program, placing students in other homes, A LOT of would-be families go this route. You should definitely check it out. PM me if you have any questions!

Becka
07-08-2010, 11:16 PM
The talking is cute until they get a mind of their own and decide to take you on. That's when the arguing starts and things can go to hell in a hand basket.

and unfortunately it can happen as early as 3 -lol-

it's been a ROUGH week for me and the sassbeast.

Regina Phalange
07-09-2010, 02:40 AM
I want more, but I'm not in a position where that's possible and it makes me very, very sad. I totally respect people who are CF because I understand it, but that's not what I want for me.

Cunter Fartlett
07-09-2010, 03:09 AM
and unfortunately it can happen as early as 3 -lol-

it's been a ROUGH week for me and the sassbeast.

Yeah, I had no idea it started this early. And why do they call them the terrible two's? It should be the terrific two's. That was cake compared to three.

tully
07-09-2010, 04:01 AM
I have 18 nieces and nephews, ranging from 9 months to 16 years. I've been in their lives for three and a half years, and I love them all -- some more than others, oops. My heart breaks only a little around them. I do like taking care of them, having fun with them, and smothering them with kisses when they stand still enough. Also I have terrific conversations with the younger ones -- my 6 year old niece Madeline is so honest and profound and brave and hilarious all at once. (Me: Are you playing tee-ball this summer? Mad: Well, why would I want to do that?). She's kinda my hero.

I have seven sisters-in-law -- three of them are really great role models for being effective, loving, practical mothers while retaining an independent, vibrant personality (the other four are just fine, but like I said, sometimes I play favorites). Their kids are resilient, independent, active, and brilliant. I'm pretty honored to be related to them, if "only" by marriage.

I wanted to have kids with K, but it didn't work out in our favor. Now, I don't know.I used to think I wouldn't want kids with another man, that I would resent them because they weren't his, but I would like to be a mother. I figure I have about five good years left before I have to make that decision for real. Now, I smother babies.

Em
07-09-2010, 04:14 AM
The talking is cute until they get a mind of their own and decide to take you on. That's when the arguing starts and things can go to hell in a hand basket.

Yes. Cue yesterday: we're all hiking down this trail and the 7 year old is full on bitching about his 8 year old sister. Finally Dave gets to the end of his rope hearing it all and tell him to be quiet. 7 year old pipes up with, "ha ha, very funny," and continues on his tirade. I thought Dave was going to blow a gasket there for a second. Lately they [the kids] have gotten along so well I thought they were replaced with aliens, but apparently the rivalry and smack talk is back on.

Ryan
07-09-2010, 07:18 AM
I'm the oldest of 14 grandkids on my dad's side of the family. I've helped babysit and take care of a lot of my cousins. Now that the youngest ones are in their mid teens, I do a lot of "dad" type stuff -- helping them learn to drive and that kind of thing. It makes me a little sad that there are no kids in my immediate future.

There are things that make me think twice. What if I have a child with a severe behavioral problem? What if they get harassed about having a gay dad? How am I going to deal with them when they start wanting to date and go out? Then I remind myself that all people probably worry about stuff like this when considering having kids.

Stumpy
07-09-2010, 11:20 AM
I had to rescue a potentially CF co-worker today! She's only 26, isn't sure if she wants kids at all and is terrified of giving birth, but feels a lot of pressure from her Asian family. Three other co-workers were hounding her to hurry up and that she'll be pregnant within a few months, which will entirely change her mind. One in particular was really putting it on: "You'll feel different when you have one, just do it now, you can get an epidural, it's only one day! It's the natural thing to do, there are 6.8 billion people in the world it's what we're here for". At that point I interjected "Yeah, and that's TOO MANY.".

The co-worker explained that she's scared and doesn't think that babies are all that interesting at first anyway, and I was like "me too! There is NOTHING wrong with not wanting kids.". The poor girl. And I'm not CF at all but I do believe that only fabulous people should procreate, so it's a shame that she, who is honest, intelligent and witty, isn't sure whereas the really stupid ones are up for plopping them out at every opportunity.

Frangipani
07-09-2010, 01:00 PM
I've noticed that some people tend to put all parents into the same box, regardless of who they are. Like the notion that all parents ever talk about are puke, poop and snot.

Congrats, NS!

Thanks <3

That and it would kind be like shouting into a void. I'm not necessarily worried about anyone popping off, i just keep my mom biz in the parent sub forums.

I do go into the CF forums to erm... keep my finger on the pulse? No, I've always read the CF forums. In between crumpets & driving the Benz, people in that forum are a hilarious breath of fresh air.

Cunter Fartlett
07-09-2010, 01:39 PM
I have 18 nieces and nephews, ranging from 9 months to 16 years. I've been in their lives for three and a half years, and I love them all -- some more than others, oops. My heart breaks only a little around them. I do like taking care of them, having fun with them, and smothering them with kisses when they stand still enough. Also I have terrific conversations with the younger ones -- my 6 year old niece Madeline is so honest and profound and brave and hilarious all at once. (Me: Are you playing tee-ball this summer? Mad: Well, why would I want to do that?). She's kinda my hero.

I have seven sisters-in-law -- three of them are really great role models for being effective, loving, practical mothers while retaining an independent, vibrant personality (the other four are just fine, but like I said, sometimes I play favorites). Their kids are resilient, independent, active, and brilliant. I'm pretty honored to be related to them, if "only" by marriage.

I wanted to have kids with K, but it didn't work out in our favor. Now, I don't know.I used to think I wouldn't want kids with another man, that I would resent them because they weren't his, but I would like to be a mother. I figure I have about five good years left before I have to make that decision for real. Now, I smother babies.

Aw, mel. I'll spread my baby batter all up in dem guts! Just say the word!

Frangipani
07-10-2010, 02:30 PM
And I'm not CF at all but I do believe that only fabulous people should procreate, so it's a shame that she, who is honest, intelligent and witty, isn't sure whereas the really stupid ones are up for plopping them out at every opportunity.

I have one for your baby bingo cards (or however youre using this bingo thing)

Make the awesome babies to war with (overlord??) the stupid ones. War babies. Are you writing this down bingo people?

tully
07-10-2010, 04:26 PM
Aw, mel. I'll spread my baby batter all up in dem guts! Just say the word!

I would love to have your baby, hoont, especially if s/he's anything like Misa. My favorite story you've told about him was when you called him to go to bed and he said, "Can't! Dancing!" I LOVE YOUR SON.

Blackie
07-29-2010, 02:23 AM
Although I'm extremely young, I'm quite certain that I will have a kid or two. I like to think that I had a hand in raising my three younger cousins who I spend a lot of time with, and the thought of having my own is an idea I'm very comfortable with. But it won't be for a long time.

Mackerel
12-11-2012, 07:36 PM
this is how i feel about this topic right now.

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lo3k25MyXv1qhafj6.gif

Kari
12-11-2012, 07:46 PM
I CAN'T EVEN WITH THIS TOPIC.

I watched that episode of New Girl (shut up I love that show) where they were all "90% of your eggs are dead by age 30" and I was like this:

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mduuydO69F1rzwqvfo1_250.gif

and then I was like

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbi2qqKb3o1ranhnao1_250.gif

and then I was like

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8vqap5ciF1ranhnao1_500.gif

I mean, I'm still 90% sure I don't want kids, but fuck that was sobering.

Kari
12-11-2012, 08:00 PM
Oh and then this article (http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2012/12/10/older_parenthood_is_waiting_longer_to_have_kids_a_feminist_triumph_or_a.html?utm_source=tw&utm_medium=sm&utm_campaign=button_chunky)came out about how older dads + older moms = kid is going to be all fucked up. My husband is more than a decade older than me. So basically, if I don't have a kid before 35, that kid is almost GUARANTEED to be a fail of nature. SIGH. It will have fins or some shit.

I wish I could just decide.

Ryan
12-11-2012, 08:02 PM
I keep putting the discussion off but there's a voice in my head reminding me that I'll be 30 in January and my bf will be done with school in May. He's already trying to get me to have The Talk about our living arrangements, the possibility of me relocating if he takes a job out of state, etc. Now I have to think about kids on top of it. Some days I really want them, some days I see other peoples' kids and I think, "Thank fuck I'm not doing that." lkahsdasd I can't even handle fostering kittens right now without stressing out, HOW CAN I BE A DAD?

Kari
12-11-2012, 08:12 PM
Yeah. Seriously.

I've also just seen the downside of having kids and what it does to you. It's all-consuming, never ending WORK.

Mordecai
12-11-2012, 08:23 PM
There should be an extra decade between your twenties and thirties.

Kari
12-11-2012, 08:25 PM
There should be an extra decade between your twenties and thirties.

SERIOUSLY. They should call it the DO OVER DECADE so you can fix all the shit you fucked up in your twenties that are now fucking up your thirties.

eresos
12-11-2012, 08:29 PM
best. idea. ever!!!!

I am so too late for this thread. 39 this october. work with kids. love kids. but know how much work it is so have never been in a hurry. plus my new job in education is working with infants to 3year olds the cutest & most fascinating stage of development!! i don't think i could ever deal with middle school aged kids. also commitmentphobic so was never in a place to do so with a partner. maybe there is still hope someday though.

Mordecai
12-11-2012, 08:31 PM
Yeah. In the future, when we're all cyborgs, on your 30th birthday you should get a special, one-time do-over decade. 27, 28, 29, 20-10, 20-11 etc.

entropy
12-11-2012, 08:46 PM
SERIOUSLY. They should call it the DO OVER DECADE so you can fix all the shit you fucked up in your twenties that are now fucking up your thirties.

My birthday was yesterday. My childhood best friend sent me an email to wish me Happy Birthday. She started it with Happy 28th Birthday. I never felt so understood in all of my life. In many ways my 30s has been a do over of my 20s. In my 30s I will have earned my second BA and my first Masters.

My PCOS was balls in my 20s. But at the end of my 30s, I feel like I could easily get pregnant if I wanted to. I have decided one child is enough for me, especially with the challenges that she faces. I have heard that clock tick and I had to strongly fight the urge. So instead of trowing the condoms away, I got a dog!

Regina Phalange
12-11-2012, 09:23 PM
I watched that episode of New Girl (shut up I love that show) where they were all "90% of your eggs are dead by age 30" and I was like this:


That really bothered me. I don't think it's medically accurate. Fertility does decrease and chances of something going wrong do increase, but the whole episode was basically saying "kids by 30 or you'll be having frankenstein's monster IF YOU'RE LUCKY" and that's just not correct, especially as it was shown as coming from an ob/gyn and not just one of Jess's kooky things.

other pete
12-11-2012, 09:30 PM
I'm not making a future decision any easier by putting it off. So I'm starting a thread!

Oh christ that was nearly 3 years ago and I am in *exactly* the same place I was then. Maybe my partner is more affirmative about having no interest. But now this bonus decade has been created and 45 is the new 25 so human procrastinate more.. umm yeah?

fox in socks
12-11-2012, 10:37 PM
what difference does it make if 90% of a shit fucking ton of eggs are gone? it only takes one. also, there is no excuse for a gwenyth paltrow gif kari. NO EXCUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kari
12-11-2012, 10:48 PM
;l I was hoping someone would pick up on my ode to Goop, since worrying about fertility is a serious First World Problem. At eats I know where to find Herbs de Provence salt now!!!

tully
12-11-2012, 10:50 PM
Aw, mel. I'll spread my baby batter all up in dem guts! Just say the word!

Two years later and I hope this offer still stands!!!

I probably won't have kids. I'm okay with that. I have my house and my pup and my work and my friends. I'm content!